For the Love of Music

There are moments in one's life as a mom when you wonder what parts of you and who you are as a person will resonate and connect with your kids. Fortunately, I have found that my love of music is one of those connectors for me with my kids.  When I reflect back on my life, I have vivid memories of certain songs and singers during my youth, which were inspired by my parents such as Motown, The Beatles, The BeeGees, Barbra Streisand, Diana Ross, and Dionne Warwick, just to name a few.

In the distance, upstairs in his bedroom, I hear son #3 singing along with Elton John...he's my youngest - 14 years old and singing along with "Tiny Dancer" and then "I'm Still Standing."  And earlier when he was in the shower, he had music from Post Malone blasting though his MegaBoom speaker.  His love of music is eclectic..just like mine.  Actually, all of my kids are this way.  Bonus point for me as their mom!  

I love that my love of music has actually been passed on to them.  This really does make my heart sing with joy!  Months ago on separate days, I could hear son #3 singing along with Ed Sheerin "Perfect" or "Thinking Out Loud" behind his closed bedroom door.  He kept starting and stopping the songs multiple times, restarting the songs until he could sing them perfectly along with Ed.  And then on other days I have heard him privately singing songs from the musicals "Newsies"or "The Greatest Showman."  And then once in a while I will hear him singing the "Chaplet of the Divine Mercy."  God Love Him!

It brings a HUGE smile to my face hearing his young voice trying to sound so adult-like, with no hesitation because he thinks no-one is "watching and listening" to him.  Ahhh....but I am.  And loving every moment of it!  Treasuring these fleeting moments in time...I could listen to him and my other kids sing for hours.  They were all given the gift of voice, a gift I don't quite have.  (However, I do have the gift of dance, which they all have that gift, too!)  My kiddos have amazing, beautiful singing voices and have all been involved in one manner or another with church choirs, school choirs, theater programs and school  musical plays, high school show choirs, and/or national choirs at Carnegie Hall.

Where did the years go?  I miss seeing them performing on stage and singing at school Masses.  I know I still have a few more years with my youngest child son #3, but time is going way too fast.  I wish I could slow it down.  I pray son #3 will use his "gift of voice" when he goes to high school in Fall 2021.  My kids used to tease me saying I was a "crazy stage mom" when I would want to video tape them singing/performing. But soon those memories will be what I enjoy watching when they have all grown up, moved away and started their own families or followed their callings in life.

During the last several years when I hear certain artists/musical theater/songs, it reminds me of my kids:

Son #1 - U2's song "Elevation", Journey's song "Don't Stop Believing" and songs from the 1980's.

One and only daughter - Taylor Swift songs, any songs from the musical "Wicked" and the TV show Glee, especially the songs "Take Me or Leave Me",  "Loser Like Me" and "ABC."

Son #2 - Justin Bieber songs, Justin Timberlake's song "Can't Stop the Feeling" and songs from the musicals Newsies and Aladdin.

Son #3 - Ed Sheerin songs, and songs from the musicals Newsies and The Greatest Showman.

I look forward to how the music my kids are growing up with will shapes their lives as adults, and how they will pass it on.

I Know He Is Ready To Fly!

My heart is feeling really heavy right now.   It has been for the last couple of weeks.  Son #1 is leaving for college in 5 days, and I am happy and sad - all at the same time!  I have known this day would be coming since the day he was born.  I just didn't realize back then how fast this day would arrive now.

I am sad because:
* He is leaving for college.  Life with him for the last 18 years flew by at warp speed, and it's not stopping.  He really is leaving.
* His father and I changed him with our divorce.  This was an adult decision that needed to happen, but it still makes me sad when he shares with me how it made him feel - for a really long time.  I am sad because he was sad.
* I am going to miss hearing him tell me he loves me, his hugs and kisses good night and the ones he gave me just because.
* I am going to miss spending time with him.  Sharing a meal with him and the jokes he would share at the dinner table.
* I am going to miss the late night conversations we would have about so many interesting things - what was going on in his life, sports, friends, school, experiences at work, etc. - this time with him meant so much to me.
* He is not going to need me as much anymore (if at all) - and that's ok - but it still makes me sad.
* I worry about him - a lot.  I want him to continue to make smart choices at college.
* I am going to miss seeing him with his 2 brothers and sister.  Watching him teach and play sports with his brothers would melt my heart.  Hearing him having a conversation with his sister - and then there would be laughter and silly pictures and videos they would be sharing with each other - again - this melted my heart.    Not having all 4 of my children together anymore doesn't feel quite right.
* The day has arrived where he will now use the wings I gave him to fly.  There was a time when I wasn't sure he would use his wings - but then he pleasantly started showing me signs that he was getting ready to use them.  And now he is ready to fly!  I know I was supposed to give him wings and I know that if he flies, then I did my job as a mom.   But it still doesn't make any of this any easier.  It still makes me sad.

I am happy because:
* He is happy.  He is excited to go to college.  This was something he wanted and he worked hard during the spring to complete his college applications (on his own) and apply to the colleges he wanted to (and some I didn't even know he was going to apply to).
* He is looking forward to being part of a fraternity, getting involved at college, meeting new people and making new friends.
* He knows (at least at this time) what he wants to major in - Sports Broadcast Journalism.
* He wants a new chapter in his life to begin.  He is looking forward to a chapter that doesn't have him surrounded by a constant reminder of his parent's divorce.
* He still tells me he loves me and gives me hugs and kisses good night, and just because for no special reason, other than I'm his mom.  His hugs are good hugs - they are full arm embraces with a little squeeze.
* He still loves me as his mom and likes spending time with me - as I do with him.
* He still needs me - sometimes.
* He has a strong faith in God, and considers himself a spiritual person.
* He is a great kid that makes smart choices - never got in trouble in high school with drugs, drinking, sex or the law.  (I pray he stays that way in college.)
* He has an amazing smile - a wonderful laugh - a witty sense of humor.
* He really does love his siblings A LOT!  He has not always been the best at showing them that - but during this last year he has made huge strides in trying to show them and tell them what they mean to him.
* When I look at him, I see his wings because he smiles when he talks about going to college - he really is ready to fly.  THAT MAKES ME HAPPY!

As I look at the face of a young man, feeling ready to head into adulthood, I still see the face of a little baby that slept in my arms.  I see the little boy I would hold and dance around his room with, singing Broadway show tunes to him.  I see the child who would hold my face in his hands and kiss it endlessly, and would tell me I was the best mommy in the world, and repeatedly how much he loved me.

Even though this moment in time all feels really sad right now - I am also truly happy for him!  I know he is quietly feeling a little nervous and possibly scared about what the future holds for him at college, but I believe in him!  I know he can do it!  Knowing he is feeling ready for the next chapter in his life, brings me joy and peace!  We made it together - and he is more than ready to fly!  I am so proud of him!!  I love you so much, Son #1!

Another Chapter of Motherhood

It's happening...the next chapter of my life is about to begin...and I am not sure I am ready for it.  Well, really it is my first born child's next chapter, but it feels like it is mine, too!  His high school graduation is in a couple of weeks, and I am feeling all kinds of emotions.

Where has the last 18+ years gone?  I can remember like it was yesterday, the birth of Son #1.  I remember being pregnant with him and watching a television show called "What Every Baby Knows" that was hosted by Dr. Brazelton (most people may not remember who he is) about birthing and babies and I was always CRYING when I watched his show.  I had so many fears.  However, I think it was because no matter how many books I read, shows I watched and classes I took, I still didn't feel prepared enough for that new chapter in my life.  Birthing a baby and then becoming a parent! 

I wanted to be the best mom possible.  I wasn't sure how to do that, but I was determined to figure it out.  He would be my world - my new focus.  I would meet all his needs.  I would hold him and love him - and not let him cry it out.  I would nurse him for as long as he wanted (which was until he was 20 months old).  I would make his baby food from scratch and make sure he ate healthy food.  I would sing to him, dance with him, read to him and teach him all I knew about God and the Catholic Church.  I would comfort him when he cried.  I would rock him to sleep, if that was what he needed.  I would grow in the area of patience, understanding, and trust.  I would love him unconditionally.

Over the years, he has definitely tested my love.  The times when it was most hard to love him, he needed my love the most!  And with faith and belief, that he was more than his behavior reflected, I loved him through it.  And I continue to love him.  And always will.

There have been moments during the last 18 years when I felt like I "failed" as a mother (in my eyes), and I wanted a "do-over" with my child.  But then an "angel" would appear in my life at just the right time to remind me that "no one is perfect - just love yourself and him through it" and things would feel better.

I am a better mother to my other children because of him.  Life with him still has it challenges and struggles, but God continues to teach me Mercy, Grace and Forgiveness through him.

The chapter of motherhood never really ends; the look of it just changes.  And considering my youngest, Child #4 is only in 3rd grade, I am far from over with the early part of that chapter of my life.  I am currently having to straddle the fence of having children in grade school and children getting ready for college, and living two different chapters of life can at times be overwhelming and exhausting.  But it is worth it.  Because this is where God calls me to be.  With all of its challenges and frustrations, amazing and  incredible moments - I am a mother, through and through.  This was one of my callings in this life on earth.  And I thank God every day for being responsible for the lives of other human beings.

The Blessed Virgin Mary lived through the joys and sufferings of her son Jesus - I have so much to learn from her when I am experiencing both joys and sufferings with my own children.  What a beautiful example of motherhood she is for us mothers!

As Son #1 begins a new chapter in his life, I pray that he always has God at the center of his life, as He is at mine.  I pray that God will be his navigator.  And I hope he knows that with love comes sacrifices - but he has always been worth it!  I LOVE YOU SON #1!  CONGRATULATIONS!

Is High School REALLY The Best Days Of Our Life?

In May 2015, it will be 30 years since I graduated from high school.  As I think back on my high school years and compare them to the one's my children are living through currently, I am pretty sure, high school (for me) was NOT the best days of my life, and that also seems to be true on many days, for my teenagers.  Don't get me wrong, high school had some great times and some wonderful memories.  But it also had a whole lot of crap.  Stuff that I am more than happy to not repeat, even though some might think it made for a good life lesson.  Some of those lessons, I'm not sure I needed.  The peer pressures around me when I was between 14-18 years old, such as kids doing drugs, smoking pot, getting drunk on weekends, and having casual sex with whoever will join them, was fairly noticeable.  Fortunately, I never gave in to any of those pressures and took part in those activities.  Sadly, the peer pressures from decades ago, are still the same for kids all these years later -  but starting much younger.

It also seems the intensity and negative impact from these peer pressures has increased, probably in large part due to the internet, social media websites and apps, smart phones and all the other technology we didn't have back in the 80's. (Thank God!)

Several months ago, my high school children (son #1 and daughter) and I were having a discussion and they expressed to me that they felt like high school was just "ok" for them and really wanted to just get through it.  They were having some good times, but for all the build up of going to high school, once they got there, it just felt like another step in life.  It felt somewhat anti-climatic.  College and the years after that, was what they were looking more forward to.

After their sharing, I found myself giving them a very "mom like" speech about kids that are stars in high school, many of them never rise up any further, and high school will literally be the best days of their life.  And many of these people will continue to act, and in some cases look like they are still in high school, when they are adults.  So sad!

For myself, I also really looked forward to college and what came afterwards, when I was in high school.  I wanted to find my "voice" and "speak it" - and that can be difficult when you are in high school.  I was never a "follow the leader" kind of person, but I also didn't want to be a "leader" (even though I liked to lead).  Many of the "leaders" at my school were the "queen bee" type, which I was not.  So I preferred to be part of a circle of friends that felt like we were all on the same level.  No exclusive leaders or exclusive followers.  We just took turns "leading" or "following" - depending on the activity and people involved.  That part of high school was fun. 

Recently, as I was cleaning out my storage area in my basement, I found a bin with items from my youth.  Some of the more interesting items were letters and cards from when I was in high school.  Some of the cards were funny and some of the letters were the length of a phone conversation (our version of texting).  Reading about the past dating relationships me and my friends were involved in or guys we liked, was the most entertaining and brought back some wonderful memories of high school.  It then made me wonder, based on their letters, what had my letters said to them?  I would love to put all the letters together and read the WHOLE story.  I'm sure there would be a LOT of laughing!

As I've gotten older, I do tend to think less and less about the crappy stuff from high school, and cling more to the good stuff.  Perhaps, it's because I've had so many more good things happen in my adult life, it has slowly covered some of the not-so-great stuff from my youth.  If I had a choice to have a "do over" for high school, I'm not sure I'd take it.  Definitely not, if it was in today's world.  I really believe it is much more difficult to be a teenager now, then 30 years ago.  Stories about teen depression and suicide, seem to be in the news more and more these days.  That's so sad and scary!  

I pray for my children and all teenagers, that even though some days in high school may not always be the "best days" of their life, they will have more good days then bad, and create a few wonderful memories along the way, which they can carry into their adult life.  And whatever negative experiences they do encounter, can eventually become positive life lessons that will help them as adults.  Trust.  Have Faith.  Your "best days", are still to come!

Our Love Story Continues...

Sometimes God speaks to us and blesses us through the most unexpected ways.

It is two years today, since my beloved and I first met.  Our relationship has continued to be nothing less of an example of God's answering of prayers.  Our love story is one that can only be explained by the fact that God had to be at the center of it.  The likelihood of us meeting, was highly unlikely - he was living in New York and I was living in Kansas.  I was divorced and had four children.  He had never been married and had no children.  But thanks to God, He brought us together through the magic of online dating - CatholicMatch.com - and our interesting profiles, and a few cute pictures.

Since the start of our relationship, one of the many areas we continue to enjoy sharing with each other is our love of music.  This love we share came full circle for me during the last 6 months.

In June 2014, I received a group email invitation to consider applying to be a part of a mission team for a retreat called "Christ Renews His Parish", which would take place in October 2014.  

I had attended one of these retreats back in September 2005 at my parish and after that amazing experience had hoped to be part of a mission team, that would then take this retreat to other parishes in our area.  Unfortunately, because of life circumstances, it took me nine years before that dream would become a reality for me.  In the group email it stated that we needed to "reflect upon our renewal experience and ask how Christ is calling us to serve Him.  And in a couple of sentences, describe why we feel called to the mission team at this time. "  

I was so excited to read this email.  I had wanted to be a member of a mission team for years, but for some reason, it hadn't felt like it was the right time.  Now, it felt like it WAS.  I absolutely wanted to be considered.  I sent my reply almost immediately.  It said:

I attended CRHP back in September 2005 at Ascension - I was part of team 4.
Since that time there have been many changes in my life:
the birth of my 4th child, the ending of my marriage which ultimately ended in divorce January 2013, moving to and creating a new home for me and my 4 children, and I have been going through the annulment process, which should be fully complete by the end of this month.
During these moments and many other significant ones during the last 7+ years, I have grown tremendously in my faith and my relationship with our Lord.  Because of my amazing experience with CRHP years ago, I believe I was able to have the strength and fortitude during some very difficult times, while not losing my faith in Him or beliefs in our Church.  I have an amazing spiritual foundation to rely on, thanks to CRHP, and I would love to give back to those wanting to also have a deeper relationship with our Lord.   I have wanted to be part of a mission team for the last few years, but due to my life circumstances during those times, I was unable to commit.
Thanks to our Lord, I feel that I am in a wonderful place now and I have the time and commitment needed to be part of a mission team.
I pray you will consider allowing me to be part of this mission team.

About two weeks later I received the email I was praying for:

Lisa, 
I'd like to invite you to be a member of the St. Michael's CRHP Women's Mission team.  I am so thankful that you have answered God's call to serve on this team to the women of St. Michael's parish.

I was SO happy and filled with joy!  After a few weeks of our mission team meetings, we spent an evening discerning what each of our ministries would be for the retreat weekend.   Prior to this particular evening, we needed to spend time alone in prayer, praying for God to speak to us, regarding what HE wanted us to do during the weekend.

The week before our Evening of Discernment, I had the following experience which I shared with my fellow team members:

Hello Fellow Sisters In Christ-

Being part of this mission team, has been an amazing gift for me from the Lord.  I feel so blessed to be in the presence of all of you and I am so spiritually moved by all of your faith sharing stories!  

This morning I had an experience I wanted to share with all of you.

With Discernment being next Monday night, I felt like I needed to spend some quiet time in front of our Lord, so off to the Adoration Chapel I went.

While I was driving, and my mind was deep in thought, the song “Where You Lead Me” by Mercy Me started to play.  The words were so powerful for me (I started to cry), because I was heading to the Chapel to pray to the Lord - for Him to lead me regarding my discernment.  And then I started to think of all of you.  And began to pray for each one of you, that the Lord lead each and every one of you, the same way He is leading me.  “Where you lead me, I will follow.  Where you lead me, I give my life away."

Here is the video of the song, if you are not familiar with it.  I hope you enjoy it, as much as I do.

"Where You Lead Me" by MercyMe

Have a wonderful and blessed day!  

Love,

YSIC

Lisa  :-)

Little did I know that my email to my fellow team members was an indication of what God was calling me to be.  At first, I seemed to miss this "memo", but my sisters in Christ knew what HE wanted me to do, before it became apparent to me!  I was meant to be the Liturgist.  My love for music seemed to be shining through to the ladies in my group, and as the Liturgist, I would now be able to continue to share it with others.  Music has always inspired me throughout my life.  Sometimes it feels like a form of prayer.  Other times it can tell a story or provide a message that I need to hear.   

Music has also been a huge part of my relationship with my beloved since the beginning of our relationship.  We had only known each other a little over a week, when he emailed me the first song of what would lead us to exchanging over 150 songs with each other since then.  (Our first song was "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller from the movie FIREPROOF.)
"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller

From the sharing of songs that remind us of each other, I have been creating CD's every few months for us to enjoy.  There have been love songs, spiritually uplifting songs and a variety of genres.  No matter what the song, the lyrics have had meaning to us and our relationship.   Only God knew, that from all the songs my beloved and I had shared, for months beforehand, it would lead to my calling to be the Liturgist for "Christ Renews His Parish".  Our songs inspired me to provide beautiful songs at our meetings, and create meaningful play lists for our retreat weekend and introduce the ladies to songs they may not have otherwise ever heard.  What a blessing which I am truly thankful for.  Being able to share the gift of music.  As I am equally thankful to God for my beloved and the music we have shared for the last two years.  I LOVEST HIM and look forward to sharing LOTS more songs with him! 

My Divorce Writings

During the time when I was separated and going through my divorce, I had so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind.   So much so, that I wrote down a list of almost 100 titles regarding the subjects I wanted to write about on this blog.

For several months, I was writing non-stop.   I could not get the words out of my mind fast enough.

Then all of a sudden I stopped writing.  I stopped posting.  Months would go by, and I would want to write, but wouldn't.  I actually felt like I couldn't.  Then suddenly I would have a loud voice in my head that would not quiet, and to the computer I would go, to type out my thoughts and publish it to my blog.  And then more months would go by again, before I would write another post.

In retrospect, what I have known all along is that while I was separated, I was rediscovering me.  I was having my "midlife awakening."  And in that rediscovery, a part of me that had been stifled for way too long, was emerging through my writing.   Initially, I imagined I would write about the things I was experiencing while separated, as the divorce was becoming finalized, and especially post-divorce.   

* Life as a divorced 45 year old woman and mother of 4 children. 

* Issues one must deal with when you have an ex-husband.

* Matters pertaining to ex-inlaws.

* The ex-husband's new girlfriend.

* My children's feelings about the people me and my ex-husband are dating.

* All of the parts of dating I was having to relearn later in life. 

* Obtaining an annulment in the Catholic church.      

* My long-distance relationship with an incredible man I met online (which I swore I would never participate with online-dating).  

* My amazing trips to New York to date and spend time with my wonderful NY man.

* Finding love AGAIN with someone new, after having spent decades with someone else. 

* Etc., etc.

Unfortunately, as time passed and my divorce became final, I pulled back on the sharing of my thoughts publicly, due to fear.   Fear that somehow my ex-husband and/or his lawyer would make a legal matter out of my personal writings.   The things I really wanted to share and write about, I had to keep inside.   Even though I had a divorce decree, and we were legally divorced, there were several matters that still needed to be legally resolved and were under the jurisdiction of the court.  

It's been 18 months since my divorce was finalized.  Unfortunately, I am still in the thick of legal matters with my ex-husband.    I would really love for things to be resolved this summer.  I feel frustrated from the constant struggle with him, mostly of a financial nature.  (One of the many reasons we are divorced.)  I look forward to not feeling like my writings have the potential to be used against me legally.   I know that what I write is truth.  And sometimes with truth comes feelings.   

Even while writing this post, I keep re-reading what I have written in an effort to make sure that nothing I have stated, can be legally used against me or harm my legal case.  This is so sad.  As a writer I want to feel free to write and express what I am feeling and/or experiencing without fear.  I look forward to the day when I can do that again!

HUMOR – My 12th Grade Perspective

As I was digging through PILES of miscellaneous statements needing to be filed or shredded, baggies of old receipts I probably no longer need, pictures of my children from years gone past that still need to be framed, I found a folder which had the speeches I wrote 30+ years ago, from 8^th grade through high school and the one’s I used when I performed in competitions.   Major flashback moment!!

When I was in 12^th grade, I was a member of the Meridian High School Forensics Team in Meridian, Idaho and I competed in Speech competitions in Idaho, Oregon and Washington.  Our speeches could be one’s that were written by someone else, or we could write them.  I competed in several different categories such as Humorous Interpretation, Dramatic Interpretation, Impromptu, and Original Oratory.  One of the speeches I wrote in my folder, for an Original Oratory Competition back in 1984, was called “HUMOR”.  

The timeliness of finding this speech was perfect, because just last week, I was having a conversation with my children, regarding their need to have a better sense of humor towards themselves, towards other people and with each other and why this is important for them in life.   They can be so serious and take everything so personal!  Once in a while a laugh will “sneak” out of them, or they will share a really funny joke, but not as often as they should and I would like them to.  Clearly, their over-serious behavior and lack of laughter, are NOT traits they got from their mother.  Hahaha 

I think I am going to share what I wrote as a teenager years ago, with my own teenagers today.  Maybe after they read this, their attitude towards HUMOR will improve and the sound of laughter (verses tears) will increase in my home.  We'll see....

Here is what I wrote at 17 years old (but sounds like something I would probably write today):

What is 99% fat-free, has no cholesterol, can’t be smoked, drunk, or eaten, yet is definitely habit forming?  HUMOR!

One of the particularly endearing things about humor is that it is related to reality.  It is also a remarkably useful thing in the context of the whole process of communication in that it is an aid to the expression of other emotions and to the transmission of important messages of spiritual, political, educational or commercial nature.  It is, come to think of it, an absolute necessity in the maintenance of sanity. 

In regards to physical health, there are two conditions necessary.  The first, being the ability to laugh at yourself.  By laughing at oneself, one can avoid creating the impression of being pompous or too self-important.  Making jokes about oneself, and telling humorous stories about one’s own mistakes, and accepting compliments or awards with a smile or witty remarks as though you are surprised that anyone would think you were outstanding, is an approach that will generate more good feelings and respect than a solemn one.  Besides, it’s a good idea to laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.

The other condition, is the act of laughter itself.  Everybody laughs at something.  Even an adult, who appears humorless, laughed as a child.  The infant laughed when tickled and the child laughed when engaged in play.  As we mature, our senses of humor develop as individualistically as do all our other personal characteristics, resulting in laughter’s mental effect (breaking away the dreads and fears that constitute the basis of so many depressions and lift one out of the hole of despondency).

But no matter what one’s occupation – doctor, lawyer, merchant, military, mailman, etc. – and no matter what level one occupies in the hierarchy of life, the energy of humor can enhance a job, it can improve communication, motivate others and help solve difficult problems.

No wonder funny people are among the most highly regarded in our society.  Not only are they able to lift our spirits, but their talents have socially redeeming value.

Researchers believe that the fact that many comedians grew up in extremely deprived circumstances and that their early lives are marked by suffering, tend to enhance them as equalizers.  For instance, Dudley Moore was born with a clubfoot and one leg shorter than the other.  Both of Carol Burnett’s parents were alcoholics. Totie Field’s mother died of cancer when she was 5.  Art Buchwald’s mother died giving birth to him.  David Steinberg’s brother was shot down in the war.  Charlie Chaplin, as a mere child, did not know where his next meal was coming from.  Jackie Gleason’s father deserted him when he was a young child, and he had to deal with a grieving and disappointed mother for years.  Joe E. Brown left his family to go with the circus when he was 10 years old and endured unending sadistic punishment from the man to whom he had been apprenticed as an acrobat.  W.C. Fields has said that he ran away from home because he thought his father was going to kill him.   Almost all comedians have had to overcome major traumas in order to become comedians.

The previous examples support the fact that a sense of humor and a life style that avoids buildup of anxiety will help protect one from the distress that emotional tension may bring on.  However, when one does suffer from tension, there are three non-medical things one can do: 1) Try meditative relaxation.  2) Engage in vigorous activity, such as swimming, running or tennis.  3) Or, laugh.  Strange as it may seem, of all the countless folk who have lived before our time on the planet, no one is known in history or in legend as having died from laughter.

Humans have tried to understand why they laugh for as long as they have sought to understand their own nature.  Written explanations of humor go back at least as far as the early Greeks.  A sense of humor is a many splendored thing.  It gives one the ability to relax, so that one’s objectivity can help one see the inconsistencies in one’s behavior.  It resolves problems.  It can help shape an attitude, a humorous outlook on life.

The total concept we call a sense of humor, has many levels, from laughter elicited by the antics of a clown, to the more abstract and complex ideas involved in a humorous perception of life. 

Laurence J. Peter, in his book entitled “The Laughter Prescription,” lists those things that are necessary for the development of a sense of humor.  They are as follows:
1. Adopt an attitude of playfulness.

2. Think funny.

3. Laugh at the incongruities in situations involving yourself and others.

4. Only laugh with others for what they do rather than for what they are.

5. Laugh at yourself.

6. Take yourself lightly.

7. Make others laugh.

8. Realize that a sense of humor delivers greater rewards than merely being entertaining. 

Humor is a miracle drug with no bad side effects.  Laughter can stimulate the cardiovascular system, it can produce deep muscle relaxation, which promotes healing, and it can help control pain.  But a sense of humor is more that just laughter.

One must be able to step back from a situation and view it with a degree of detachment.  Separating yourself from an annoying incident is the constructive way of breaking the vicious cycle that causes depression.  As we experience annoyances or disappointments, our mirthfulness decreases.  This may cause us biochemically to become depressed, and may in turn, further dampen our sense of humor, so that we laugh less and continue the downward spiraling pattern of depression.  Psychologically, the ability to see humor in a situation is as important as the laughter itself.  An individual with a good sense of humor is one who can take a comic view of life’s trials and tribulations, and not take it all so seriously, all of the time.  

Considering the fact that we are living in an age where being healthy is in, it would behoove us all to adopt a 99% fat-free, no cholesterol, non-smoking, non-drinking, diet of Humor.  Try it.  You’ll like it!

My Daughter Inspires Me

How many times do we have conversations in our head of the things we would write about, if only we had a tape recorder attached to our mind.  I find myself having MANY of these types of conversations - often.  And wishing I could put it to paper (or computer) at that moment, but can't always because I am usually busy performing mommy duties.  These conversations I have in my mind, have been occurring since I was in grade school.  I used to write these thoughts in my diaries, compose poetry and kept journals.  Then I began typing and saving them on my computer.  A couple of years ago I joined the blogging world and started sharing some of my thoughts with others.

Since my youth, writing has always been an outlet for me.   Sometimes it has felt like a big mind purge...so many thoughts to write about.  Then there are other times when I will think about writing a book about certain personal experiences in my life.  However, I imagine fictional characters I would include, because I don't want the main character and story to be directly about me (even though the book is influenced by me).

Over the years, I have come to realize what we felt as a youth, is not much different than what we feel as an adult.  The intensity of our feelings will vary and are based on our life experiences.  How many years we have lived.  The types of people in our life that have helped us write our life story.  The profound effect emotions will have on what we want to say to the world.  Each of our stories can be life changing to others...and yet how many of us keep these stories inside.  The feelings we feel and experiences we have are real and can be impacting to others.  We need to share them!

As I read blogs posted by people I know, and those I don't, I am inspired by their writing.  Albeit, some are better than others, but overall, the fact that someone took the time to write and share their personal thoughts and experiences...I love!  And letting a fellow writer know this, is important.  Because being a writer is HARD!!!  And we need to support each other.  We need to encourage each other.  Being vulnerable is scary...and yet as writers we are willing to do it because we feel called to do so.   It is a part of who we are...and in a weird sort of way, we hope our story will help someone else.  And most of the time it does, even when we don't know it.

My daughter's writing is a great example of her helping someone else, when she didn't know she was.  That person is me!  When she was 11 years old (yes, only 11 years old), she wrote and recorded for a demo CD a song called, "On My Own."  (She is currently 14 years old.)  For such a young person at the time, she had the wisdom of an adult.  And whenever I hear her song, it gets me a little choked up.  Not just because she is my daughter and the lyrics are so profound at 11 years old (because of what she had heard and experienced from when her dad and I were married), but because she has the talent and ability to write the words she did and then put it to music (with the help of a friend)!!!  Such a gift!!  And one she has had since she was around 7 years old!   She inspires me!  Her writing has helped heal me!

ON MY OWN - by Elizabeth Ragan

I know that in movies and songs, he's always coming back begging her please.
But that's not how he was to me.
You left me outside in the cold, pouring rain.
'Cuz you said that you'd be back on that day, but you never did, you never did.

So I've learned to move on and I've got my life back, it don't involve you no more.
'Cuz I am on my own.
With no body else's weight on my shoulders.
And I am living the dream without you. 

It really did hurt just to know that all that you said, it was a lie.
Yes it was a matter of time.
You said that you loved me,  but that wasn't true, you let me down hard, and now I'm blue.
I hope you know it's because of you.

So I've learned to move on and I've got my life back, it don't involve you no more.  

'Cuz I am on my own.  

With no body else's weight on my shoulders.  

I am living the dream without you. 

I gave you my heart, just to have you throw it all away.
I gave you my all, but you let me fall.

'Cuz I am on my own.
With no body else's weight on my shoulders.

I've learned to move on and I've got my life back, it don't involve you no more.
'Cuz I am on my own.
With no body else's weight on my shoulders.
And I am living the dream without you.

Someone better is what I'll find.  I'm leaving the idea of you behind."

____________________

I would love to attach the mp3 link of this song in this post so it could be listened to.  But, I can't seem to figure it out.  UUGGHH!!   Perhaps I can attached it in a FaceBook post.  Hopefully, she will continue to share her talent of writing with the rest of the world as she gets older.  I imagine her becoming a great songwriter...combining her talents of singing, music and writing all in one.   The interesting thing about my daughter, she is very modest about her ability.  If she knew I shared this about her in my blog, she probably would not speak to me for DAYS (maybe even weeks or months)!!!  But I want the world to know...to watch for her because someday she will do what I only dreamed of...sharing her God-given writing and singing talent with the rest of us.  

I pray that those who read my post, if you feel called to be a writer, you will do so!  And to those of you who are already writing, continue to do so!   We WANT to hear what you have to say!  It may change the rest of us for the better...it could change the course of someone's life!!

Trust and Let Go!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not.  In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will make straight your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

What a powerful Attitude to have towards our Lord.  Such faith is required of us, to be able to fully TRUST - NOT FEAR what the Lord may be asking of us, or in many cases, telling us.

As a child, we know no different than to TRUST - all that we are told, all that we hear, most everyone we know.  As we grow older, that part within us, that so freely and unconditionally TRUSTS seems to lessen; we become more doubtful, more fearful, more hesitant, more cautious, more controlling.

Why does this seem to also be true of our relationship with God?  Does He give us reasons to doubt?  Or does man?  Does He give us reasons to be afraid? Or does man? Why do we continue to try and control every part of our life, when really we are not the ones in control - GOD IS!

God TRUSTS us - He gave us His only son.  Why do we have such a difficult time TRUSTING Him?

A phrase that was stated repeatedly when I attended a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat for the first time in September 2005 was “LET GO; LET GOD.”  Who knew that when it was our team’s turn to select a bible verse for the retreat we would then put on for other women in our parish, we would be led to Proverbs 3:5-6.

In September 2006, as our team was preparing for our Agape service for the CRHP Team 5 Women’s group, I received a phone call from my father.  As I was praying with my CRHP sisters my mother was having what would become the first of four heart attacks in a three week period of time.  As I sat in the surgery waiting room with my father and several of my CRHP brothers and sisters, waiting to speak to a doctor, waiting to hear my mother’s status, I had a feeling of stillness.  It was as if our Lord was holding me up - keeping me from falling apart in front of my father, because he was not coping so well.  I believe that I was surrounded with the armor of prayer from others - with which I was drawing my strength from.

In the early morning hours, I arrived home from the hospital, not really knowing what lied ahead - or what the future had in store for me and my parents.  I wanted to know.  I needed to know.  I needed to feel like I could control the situation, even though logically I knew I couldn’t.  But I wanted to try!

Upon entering my bathroom, I was greeted by our team’s beautiful red candle.    As I stood there holding it, reading the words of our bible verse and looking at the picture on the front of it, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Not only was it a picture of Our Lord, but it was the Divine Mercy picture with the words “Jesus, I Trust In You” underneath it. It was as if these words were screaming out at me louder than ever before. 

TRUST!  TRUST!  I need to TRUST!  I need to HAVE FAITH that I can TRUST IN THE LORD - COMPLETELY!  Not just say it anymore...but do it!  Really do it!  But how was I to do this, when all I could see and feel was the fear of losing my mother while I was 8 months pregnant with my 4th child?  I needed to LET GO; I needed to LET GOD! 

During those three weeks of hospital stays, repeated heart attacks and a quadruple bypass surgery, I never seemed to stray from feelings of peace and calmness.  My only explanation for this is that I finally truly TRUSTED and allowed God to be in control of my life.  Our team verse became so much more than a verse to me - it was my strength.  It was my lifeline to God and it provided me the focus I needed to deal with family, friends, doctors and anyone else that was connected to my mom.  I started every day saying our verse and repeating it again every night before going to sleep.  It had become my mantra.

When faced with adversities, how do we handle them?  Do we run towards God or do we run in the opposite direction?  Are we quiet long enough to hear Him; to listen to what He is trying to tell us?  Or do we continue with the chatter of life around us in an effort to avoid Him because we are afraid of what He might say?  If we truly TRUST in the Lord with all our heart, than we will rely on His intelligence - not ours!  We will want to listen to what He has to say.  If we always remember Him - think of Him - TRUST Him, He WILL make our paths straight!  He Will Show Us The Way!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not.  In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will make straight your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

The Start of Our Love Story

About 6 months ago, I wrote the following note for my love, Anthony.

"Longer than I can remember, I've been in love with the idea of you.

I didn't know whether you were real, but I believed you were out there looking for me and someday we would be one. 

Thank you for finding me.

God has been giving me signs of your existence since the moment my heart was broken by another years ago.  It is only now, that those past moments and things makes sense to me.

Others can not relate, understand or accept that only God could have brought us together, because He meant this to be true.

You are not my rebound, because I feeling spiritually bound to you.  

I'm so deeply in love with you - all that you are, your body, mind and soul.  Your faith and love draw me even closer to you.  

I love you!"

Back during the time of my separation from my ex-husband, I did not date, or give my phone number out to men that asked.  That time was a time for me to heal.  It was not a time for me meet new men or start a new relationship when the one I was currently in was not "officially over."  I felt that once there was a divorce decree, then I would "consider" dating again.  But that was a big MAYBE!  My children were my priority and focus during this time.   

Also, I was pretty sure dating and the rules of dating had dramatically changed since I was in college based on the stories I had heard from friends that were divorced and dating again.  The idea of being back out in the dating world, after having been with the same person for the last 24 years, scared me a bit, to say the least.  Dating was far off my radar!

My divorce was finalized on my mother's birthday.  At the time I thought "how interesting that this would be the date for my divorce."  

Then a couple weeks later, I was attending a meeting at my church.  During the meeting, a discussion about where and how Catholic singles meet other Catholic singles these days was occurring.  As the secretary of this group, I was listening rather intently and taking notes (in my mind).  They mentioned online dating as an option and shared with the group several Catholic online dating sites.  I had never heard of these sites, nor had the thought of considering them an option regarding where I would meet men to date someday, had yet entered my mind...until that night.  

So, out of curiosity, I decided to check out a few of these sites.  What I came to realize was that you can surf around them and read some stuff, but if you want to gain full access, you have to have a membership, set up an account and create a profile.  EEEEEKKK!!!   I wasn't sure I was completely ready for this.  I had heard so many stories about "nightmare" meetings on other non-Catholic sites, I was a bit fearful if this would be the same on these Catholic sites.   

I had shared my thoughts and concerns with a good friend, who "strongly" encouraged me to give it a try.   He knew my history and thought I may in fact meet a nice guy on one of these sites.  He told me I deserved to be happy after all that I had been through and if it turned out to not be my thing, I could cancel my membership and meet guys in other ways.  No big loss.  

After that encouraging conversation, I decided "why not."  What did I have to lose?  I was curious to see what kind of single Catholic men were out there in the dating world, and this seemed like a somewhat safe way to do it.  Especially if the prospects were NOT my type.

I became a member of CatholicMatch.com, CatholicSingles.com, and CatholicMingle.com on Thursday, February 14th, Valentine's Day 2013.  

OMG!!!  I did not expect what would happen as soon as my profiles went LIVE.  The sites are set up so that you can see all of the people that view your profile and the number of views you are receiving.  It was SOOOO uncomfortable!!  Within the first hour online, I already had almost 50 views just on one site alone!  I was thinking "THIS IS CRAZY!!!" And, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"

I went out with a friend on Valentine's Day night.  When I told her what I had done just hours before we met up, she was speechless (I guess I was a bit too, when the realization of what I had done had finally set in.  LOL!)  I made her swear to secrecy about my online "adventure".  Which she agreed to.  But then she was curious (if not more so than I) as to who these men were that were viewing me, sending me messages, inviting me to take a temperament test, and giving me an "online" bouquets of flowers, offering a rosary for me, giving me an "online" valentine bear, beaming me a smile, and inviting me to chat.  I had not laughed as much as we did that night in a very long time!  

By Sunday evening, I was feeling like the online dating scene was not going to be for me after all.  I had NOT replied to even one person.  (Online etiquette recommends you at least thank people for commenting or sending you a message...however, I was not following those rules.  I figured if I would not talk with them in person, then I did not want to talk with them online.  Even a thank you.)  No one caught my attention or even seemed remotely a possibility of someone I would want to date.  Maybe I really wasn't ready to date yet.  Maybe my potential date standards were too high.  After all, it had been 24 years since I last went on a date.  Maybe I was on the wrong dating sites.  Or maybe, I just needed to meet a nice guy the old fashion way - in person.  

I had pretty much decided with a good friend that night, I was going to cancel all of my memberships on Monday.

Monday, February 18, 2013 arrived, and my life was changed forever.  

Late that afternoon, I received a message from a guy named Anthony.  With his message, he beamed me a smile.  His message was simple.  "Hi Lisa.  Great profile.  Have a blessed day, Anthony."  

After I read his message, I went to view his profile (as I usually did, when someone sent me a message).  He was 44 years old (just a year younger than me), no children (great, since I already have 4) and never been married (OMG - men like him still exist!  Thank you God!).  He was very active at his church and had a strong Catholic faith.  He was really handsome, and said he had a good sense of humor.  But then what caught my attention was the place he was from.  East Northport, NY (Long Island).   What are the chances of that!  This is the same town my relatives live in and have for the last 35+ years!   And I was also very familiar with East Northport because I had visited it often through the years, and while growing up, on two separate occasions, I lived about 20 minutes from there.  Of all of the men on CatholicMatch.com, a guy from Long Island NY, a place I love and have fond memories of, is messaging me!  

I actually decided to reply to his message.  I beamed Anthony a smile and told him, "Hello.  Thanks for your message.  I noticed you were from East Northport.  I lived on Long Island when I was younger and I have family that live and used to live in East Northport.  Great area!" 

He then replied back to me, and then for the next 4 days, we would send each other messages.  They were like emails.  Each message continued to get longer and longer. Then one day he asked me to chat live with him.  Our first chat was great fun, being able to communicate live and have real time responses.  But this only lasted for two days. We had so much to share with each other and the responses we were typing were getting longer and longer until finally during one of our chats he said "let's talk on the phone."  I replied, "when?" To which his response was, "now? we are chatting."  I said, "hahahaha - ok."  And then I gave him my phone number.

Within a minute my phone was ringing, and I had the overwhelming feeling of nervousness like I was back in high school and a boy I have a crush on is calling me to talk.  OMG!!!   What will we talk about now, on the phone?  What if my voice is not what he expected?  What if his voice is not what I expected?  What if there is silence and we run out of things to talk about?  What if we have no connection once we are speaking to each other?  I must have had about 20 questions race through my head in a matter of 5 seconds!!

And then I answered.  It was him!  Live on the phone!  He sounded just like my cousins in New York.  I loved it!!  We ended up speaking on the phone for 7 HOURS!!!  Our conversation didn't end until 4:00 a.m. my time, and that was only because his alarm went off when he should have been waking up to get ready to take his parents to NYC for a doctor's appointment that morning.  Had it not been for his need to leave, only God knows how much longer we would have kept talking.  

Several days later, I shared with him that I had been making plans to spend Spring Break that year back east with family and friends.  I asked him if while I was in town, would he like for us to meet in person.  He said "absolutely!"  We had our first date on March 14, 2013 - my father's birthday.  Another amazing coincidence in my life!

A day has not gone by since that first message, first phone call and first date, that we have not spoken to each other.  It has been truly a blessing from God and only through God could it have even been possible for us to have met like we did and developed the kind of amazing, loving and God-centered relationship we share.  It really is one in a million chances that I would meet a man online from the same town my relatives live in, who went to the same high school my cousins did, knows some of the same people my relatives know, attends the same church my relatives do and my godfather's funeral was at (almost exactly a year before I met Anthony), and the priest who presided at the funeral mass would turn out to be close friends with Anthony!  Again, I say, it is only because of God we are together!  Our love story is because of Him and thanks to Him!

During these last 12 months, we have had the opportunity every month to travel to each other's towns to spend time together, get to know each other better and develop relationships with each other's families.  

Then in October 2013, he made the life-changing decision to move to Kansas to be near me and my children.   Within days of arriving he had a job interview and was offered the job two weeks later. They didn't want him to start until after the new year, so our holidays were filled with lots of family time and special couple time!  He also found an apartment quickly and until it was ready for him in January 2014, he lived with my parents (who LOVE him!).  

This is only the beginning of our INCREDIBLE love story...our life together.  It is hard to believe that one year ago today, I was ready to cancel my membership on CatholicMatch.com, and then Anthony sent me a message. 

I pray that we are blessed with many more years to share together!  Thank you God for Anthony.  Thank you God for our relationship!

My Darkness Became Light

It is 5:15 in the morning and I am wide awake.  This is about one hour earlier than I should have been, but that's ok today.  As I am laying in my bed praying and enjoying the quietest part of my day, I find my mind drifting back to 10 years ago.

I can't believe it has been 10 years today, since I birthed my third Child - 2nd Son.  Reminiscing on that time of my life and my pregnancy with him, has both good and not so good memories.  So with those thoughts come some smiles and tears.

In May 2002, we moved into what was called our "Dream Home".  We bought the one acre, lakefront land in Fall 2000, found a builder to custom build our 6500 square foot home in 2001 and 8 months after the ground was broke, we were beginning a new chapter in a new home.  What should have been one of the happiest times in my life, was short lived and within a couple of months we had spent a whole weekend fighting and threats were made that would eventually years later, become my reality.

A couple months after this life-altering weekend, things seemed to be improving, and thoughts of having another child were being considered.  By late September 2002, I discovered I was pregnant.  Because my focus would be on this new life growing within me, I believed that any of the negative issues happening in my life at that time, would subside.  Unfortunately, they lingered.  As a result of this, I became very depressed.  At the time, I was in denial that I could possibly be experiencing depression.  After all, I should be in a state of pregnancy bliss...happy and joyful about the new life growing within me - not sad, depressed and feeling hopeless.

With these depressed feelings and emotions, came what I call "Days of Color".  For some reason, I actually "saw" these colors around me...my mental lens to the world would now be labeled with colors.    On days when I was feeling my lowest of lows, all around me looked "black".  It felt "black".  If I had a day that wasn't great, but I had not cried that day, then my day was "gray".  Then there were days when I was so ANGRY with my life, and certain people in my life, my color would be "red" - with rage.  Every once in a while I would have a "yellow" day - life felt sunny and cheerful.  This might be due to a moment when I had laughed and/or smiled at some point during my day.   I really longed for more "yellow" days...but unfortunately, those days were far and few between.  A "blue" day meant there wasn't anything good or not good about the day...it was just another day.

After experiencing several weeks of these "Days of Color", I became very concerned that my emotional state of being was going to negatively impact the personality of the child I would birth.  I cried about this for weeks worrying that my child growing within me, would "feel" what I was feeling and would have "issues" someday, possibly as a result of the energy I was sending them in utero.  I remember having MANY conversations with God about this and praying endlessly to protect this baby from my sadness and depression.  About half way through my pregnancy, I finally decided to seek out professional help and started attending therapy.

Thanks to my therapist, I was able to decode my "Days of Color" and visualize what other colors might feel like, so I could stop always seeing and feeling "black", "gray" and "red" days.   By the time 2nd Son was born, I was in fact having fewer "dark" days, but they were not completely gone.

I am not sure at what point in the early days of his life I realized that my mental state during my pregnancy had in fact NOT affected him in any way.  I remember noticing how happy he always was.  So good natured, calm and peaceful.  He was NOTHING like I had been acting or feeling the whole time I was pregnant with him.   He was a true angel, sent from God, as a reminder to me that I was going to be fine.  Life was good, and motherhood was in fact the calling meant for my life.

As I looked at my baby son's face, I felt so much thankfulness for him and the joy he was bringing me...the dark he was pulling me out of!

Through the years, he has remained true to the beautiful nature and disposition that God gave him.  He ALWAYS wakes with a smile and kind word.  Of my four children, he is the first one to offer me help and assistance, before I have to ask.  Never does a day go by that he does not tell me "Thank You for being my mom" and " I Love You for being my mom".  He is sensitive to those around him and will be the first to apologize and ask for forgiveness when he has done something wrong.  Since he was a toddler, he likes to hum a happy tune, just because.  I don't think he even notices he does this.  But those around him do, and it usually puts a smile on the face of the person who hears it.  His happiness and joyfulness is always apparent and even contagious.  When he was a baby, I gave him the love term "Snuggle Bunny" because he loved to give hugs and kisses, and STILL does.  Forever will he be my "Snuggle Bunny!"

The thing that melts my heart the most about this angel of mine, is his devotion to God and his prayers to Jesus!  His prayers at bedtime are not quick.  There are LOTS of things he wants to say "thanks" for and LOTS of people he wants to pray for, and even situations he will ask God for guidance and help with - for either himself or someone else.

If God was trying to prepare any of my children for a Religious Life, 2nd Son appears to be first in line.   On the evening of his First Communion, he asked our Pastor if there was a Saint named after him.  When Father told him there wasn't, 2nd Son's response was that perhaps he could be the first Saint, then, with his name.  WOW!  Then right before he went to bed that night he told me he was confused regarding what he should be when he grows up...he was thinking about becoming a priest...and he wanted to know what I thought?  Another WOW!  (I told him I thought that was wonderful, and if he felt called to that from God, when he grows up, then he should follow that calling.)
 
To some this may seem like "child" stuff, but for me he is a constant reminder that God was with me, never abandoned me during my pregnancy with him...during my dark days.  And He is still with me.  In response to my prayers, He blessed me with 2nd Son.  I am forever thankful to God for him, and Happy Birthday to 2nd son really is a "HAPPY BIRTH-DAY"  for me, because of him.  I love you, 2nd son!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

An Awakening For My Heart

When I started blogging last year and titled my blog "A MidLife Awakening," many people questioned where my life was...was I in fact having a "midlife crisis."  I would repeatedly tell them that there was no crisis in my life, only an awakening regarding what needed to change in my life.

My soul had felt lifeless and my heart had been lonely for a very long time.

After almost 23 years of being with the same person, our lives were now going to officially become separate.   Our marriage had not been in a "good" place for many years...and unfortunately it had been taking its toll on our children.   As I looked at the man I believed I would be married to "until death do us part" all I could see was a person I wanted to be friends with because of our children.  But nothing more.  He was no longer who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I was exhausted from all the fighting, tears, depression, sadness, anger, hurt and resentment that had been a part of our marriage for way too long.  As a result, we had not been the kind of parents or spouses that I knew and believed God intended for us to be.  And it was only getting worse.

This was not the life I wanted, and it was especially not the kind of life I wanted for our children.   They had witnessed too often the "ugly" sides of us. We were not a good example of a happy, healthy, loving marriage.  And that scared me...because this would potentially be what our children someday would use as their point of reference regarding what a marriage should look like.

We had not been bringing out the best in each other anymore; only the worst.  As a result, we were getting the worst out of our children.  That was tearing me up inside.  I especially didn't like the people we had become.  Sharp tongued, defensive, usually annoyed, very impatient, short-fused towards the children, mostly frowning, and appearing to be on emotional roller coasters most of the time.

A good friend of mine told me last year that when a marriage comes to an end it may feel like a death, because a marriage has died.  You will experience feelings of grief and sadness.  You will probably go through a mourning process in order to move forward.

I completely understood what they meant.  However, all of those feelings they described I had already been feeling for the last couple of years prior to our marriage actually coming to an end.  I was exhausted from all the tears I had cried, the anger and resentment I had built up inside, the depression I was experiencing and the sadness in my heart.  When it was finally said out loud, that our marriage was over, I was not sad.  There were no more tears shed, yelling, screaming, fighting, or ugly words spoken.  Just calmness, peace and a feeling that can be best described as "I could breath again."  Because I had already been experiencing the mourning process for years beforehand, I was ready to move forward.   It felt like a midlife "Awakening" for my heart and soul.  Not a midlife crisis.


I feel extremely thankful for all of the support and understanding we have been receiving from friends and family during this changing time.  It is very much appreciated.  We have reassured our friends and family that they do not need to feel like they have to take sides or can't talk to the "other" person, just because we are no longer together.  We are working really hard at remaining friends and keeping things amicable during this time, because we don't want our friends and family to feel like they are caught in the middle of our personal issues.  And we especially don't want our children to feel this way, either.

Psalm 34:5-7 

I sought the Lord, who answered me, delivered me from all fears.  Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces many not blush for shame.  In my misfortune I called, the Lord heard and saved me from all distress.

People Watching

It's a Saturday night.  I am sitting at a bar, waiting for a friend to meet me for a drink (but she is running late), and I can't help myself but "people watch."  Let's be honest...we have ALL done this at one time or another.  Trying to figure out why people choose to dress, wear their make-up, fix their hair and say the things they do.   The more they drink, the more fascinating they become to watch.

I know the reason as to why I am sitting at the bar - "I am waiting for a friend" - but why are all these other people hanging out here?"  What are their intentions?  It is very clear that a man's intentions are not usually too far off from a woman's - especially when they have been drinking.

The guys are checking out the girls.  The girls are checking out the guys.  It's one big meat market...Wait!  It's like high school and college all over again, but about 30 years later with a bunch of 40 and 50 year olds.  (Some things truly never change!!!) 

Oh, let's not forget the person who needs a smoke.  Since all of the bars and restaurants where I live are smoke-free, smokers have to go outside to catch a drag of a cigarette.  So, when they re-enter the bar, they REEK of cigarette smoke.  (It reminds me of Pig Pen from Charlie Brown...the smoke smell follows in behind the person.  LOL!)  Yuck!  Sure, I want that person to come up to me and get all friendly and flirty in my face...NOT!

Then there are the women at the bar laughing and cackling so LOUD!  To the point of being obnoxious and seemingly foolish.  They are clearly looking to draw attention to themselves and be noticed - by WHOMEVER will notice them!  (And there are some SCARY guys taking notice.  HA!)  These ladies act as if they are hoping someone will offer to buy them a drink or anything else they had on their mind.

It's the women in outfits that scream "they are looking for sex" that can be the most entertaining (and somewhat sad) to watch.  They will "try" to discreetly adjust their bras/boobs (in a really low-cut top), as if to appear 2 sizes bigger than they really are.  And then the hair flipping, tilting of the face and flickering of their eye lids, gets added to the mix.  These behaviors can be found in the movies, but the actresses usually have time to perfect these nuances, and will appear rather "smooth" at these "flirty" moves.  But, in real life, it is not always so smooth and is instead rather funny!  And in some cases, even ridiculous.

Well, I am not a person that likes to be obnoxious and draw unsolicited attention to myself.  And I am definitely NOT a "looking for sex" kind of gal...now or in the past.  I am just fine buying my own drinks...don't want someone thinking I owe him "something" for buying me a couple of drinks.  I DON'T cackle loud (at least not in public).  And there is no hair flipping and boob adjusting going on with my outfit.  Hahaha  Being single again in this kind of scene seems almost humorous.  ("Almost" being the key word!)  Who is a lady to trust if this is what the "single" world looks like now; not so sure I am going to do well in it.  Saturday date night with my NOOK is starting to sound more and more appealing!  I sure hope it doesn't come to that, but the alternative right now seems pretty scary.  AAHHH, the enlightenment from People Watching!  LOL!