It is 5:15 in the morning and I am wide awake. This is about one hour earlier than I should have been, but that's ok today. As I am laying in my bed praying and enjoying the quietest part of my day, I find my mind drifting back to 10 years ago.
I can't believe it has been 10 years today, since I birthed my third Child - 2nd Son. Reminiscing on that time of my life and my pregnancy with him, has both good and not so good memories. So with those thoughts come some smiles and tears.
In May 2002, we moved into what was called our "Dream Home". We bought the one acre, lakefront land in Fall 2000, found a builder to custom build our 6500 square foot home in 2001 and 8 months after the ground was broke, we were beginning a new chapter in a new home. What should have been one of the happiest times in my life, was short lived and within a couple of months we had spent a whole weekend fighting and threats were made that would eventually years later, become my reality.
A couple months after this life-altering weekend, things seemed to be improving, and thoughts of having another child were being considered. By late September 2002, I discovered I was pregnant. Because my focus would be on this new life growing within me, I believed that any of the negative issues happening in my life at that time, would subside. Unfortunately, they lingered. As a result of this, I became very depressed. At the time, I was in denial that I could possibly be experiencing depression. After all, I should be in a state of pregnancy bliss...happy and joyful about the new life growing within me - not sad, depressed and feeling hopeless.
With these depressed feelings and emotions, came what I call "Days of Color". For some reason, I actually "saw" these colors around me...my mental lens to the world would now be labeled with colors. On days when I was feeling my lowest of lows, all around me looked "black". It felt "black". If I had a day that wasn't great, but I had not cried that day, then my day was "gray". Then there were days when I was so ANGRY with my life, and certain people in my life, my color would be "red" - with rage. Every once in a while I would have a "yellow" day - life felt sunny and cheerful. This might be due to a moment when I had laughed and/or smiled at some point during my day. I really longed for more "yellow" days...but unfortunately, those days were far and few between. A "blue" day meant there wasn't anything good or not good about the day...it was just another day.
After experiencing several weeks of these "Days of Color", I became very concerned that my emotional state of being was going to negatively impact the personality of the child I would birth. I cried about this for weeks worrying that my child growing within me, would "feel" what I was feeling and would have "issues" someday, possibly as a result of the energy I was sending them in utero. I remember having MANY conversations with God about this and praying endlessly to protect this baby from my sadness and depression. About half way through my pregnancy, I finally decided to seek out professional help and started attending therapy.
Thanks to my therapist, I was able to decode my "Days of Color" and visualize what other colors might feel like, so I could stop always seeing and feeling "black", "gray" and "red" days. By the time 2nd Son was born, I was in fact having fewer "dark" days, but they were not completely gone.
I am not sure at what point in the early days of his life I realized that my mental state during my pregnancy had in fact NOT affected him in any way. I remember noticing how happy he always was. So good natured, calm and peaceful. He was NOTHING like I had been acting or feeling the whole time I was pregnant with him. He was a true angel, sent from God, as a reminder to me that I was going to be fine. Life was good, and motherhood was in fact the calling meant for my life.
As I looked at my baby son's face, I felt so much thankfulness for him and the joy he was bringing me...the dark he was pulling me out of!
Through the years, he has remained true to the beautiful nature and disposition that God gave him. He ALWAYS wakes with a smile and kind word. Of my four children, he is the first one to offer me help and assistance, before I have to ask. Never does a day go by that he does not tell me "Thank You for being my mom" and " I Love You for being my mom". He is sensitive to those around him and will be the first to apologize and ask for forgiveness when he has done something wrong. Since he was a toddler, he likes to hum a happy tune, just because. I don't think he even notices he does this. But those around him do, and it usually puts a smile on the face of the person who hears it. His happiness and joyfulness is always apparent and even contagious. When he was a baby, I gave him the love term "Snuggle Bunny" because he loved to give hugs and kisses, and STILL does. Forever will he be my "Snuggle Bunny!"
The thing that melts my heart the most about this angel of mine, is his devotion to God and his prayers to Jesus! His prayers at bedtime are not quick. There are LOTS of things he wants to say "thanks" for and LOTS of people he wants to pray for, and even situations he will ask God for guidance and help with - for either himself or someone else.
If God was trying to prepare any of my children for a Religious Life, 2nd Son appears to be first in line. On the evening of his First Communion, he asked our Pastor if there was a Saint named after him. When Father told him there wasn't, 2nd Son's response was that perhaps he could be the first Saint, then, with his name. WOW! Then right before he went to bed that night he told me he was confused regarding what he should be when he grows up...he was thinking about becoming a priest...and he wanted to know what I thought? Another WOW! (I told him I thought that was wonderful, and if he felt called to that from God, when he grows up, then he should follow that calling.)
To some this may seem like "child" stuff, but for me he is a constant reminder that God was with me, never abandoned me during my pregnancy with him...during my dark days. And He is still with me. In response to my prayers, He blessed me with 2nd Son. I am forever thankful to God for him, and Happy Birthday to 2nd son really is a "HAPPY BIRTH-DAY" for me, because of him. I love you, 2nd son! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
An Awakening For My Heart
When I started blogging last year and titled my blog "A MidLife Awakening," many people questioned where my life was...was I in fact having a "midlife crisis." I would repeatedly tell them that there was no crisis in my life, only an awakening regarding what needed to change in my life.
My soul had felt lifeless and my heart had been lonely for a very long time.
After almost 23 years of being with the same person, our lives were now going to officially become separate. Our marriage had not been in a "good" place for many years...and unfortunately it had been taking its toll on our children. As I looked at the man I believed I would be married to "until death do us part" all I could see was a person I wanted to be friends with because of our children. But nothing more. He was no longer who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was exhausted from all the fighting, tears, depression, sadness, anger, hurt and resentment that had been a part of our marriage for way too long. As a result, we had not been the kind of parents or spouses that I knew and believed God intended for us to be. And it was only getting worse.
This was not the life I wanted, and it was especially not the kind of life I wanted for our children. They had witnessed too often the "ugly" sides of us. We were not a good example of a happy, healthy, loving marriage. And that scared me...because this would potentially be what our children someday would use as their point of reference regarding what a marriage should look like.
We had not been bringing out the best in each other anymore; only the worst. As a result, we were getting the worst out of our children. That was tearing me up inside. I especially didn't like the people we had become. Sharp tongued, defensive, usually annoyed, very impatient, short-fused towards the children, mostly frowning, and appearing to be on emotional roller coasters most of the time.
A good friend of mine told me last year that when a marriage comes to an end it may feel like a death, because a marriage has died. You will experience feelings of grief and sadness. You will probably go through a mourning process in order to move forward.
I completely understood what they meant. However, all of those feelings they described I had already been feeling for the last couple of years prior to our marriage actually coming to an end. I was exhausted from all the tears I had cried, the anger and resentment I had built up inside, the depression I was experiencing and the sadness in my heart. When it was finally said out loud, that our marriage was over, I was not sad. There were no more tears shed, yelling, screaming, fighting, or ugly words spoken. Just calmness, peace and a feeling that can be best described as "I could breath again." Because I had already been experiencing the mourning process for years beforehand, I was ready to move forward. It felt like a midlife "Awakening" for my heart and soul. Not a midlife crisis.
I feel extremely thankful for all of the support and understanding we have been receiving from friends and family during this changing time. It is very much appreciated. We have reassured our friends and family that they do not need to feel like they have to take sides or can't talk to the "other" person, just because we are no longer together. We are working really hard at remaining friends and keeping things amicable during this time, because we don't want our friends and family to feel like they are caught in the middle of our personal issues. And we especially don't want our children to feel this way, either.
My soul had felt lifeless and my heart had been lonely for a very long time.
After almost 23 years of being with the same person, our lives were now going to officially become separate. Our marriage had not been in a "good" place for many years...and unfortunately it had been taking its toll on our children. As I looked at the man I believed I would be married to "until death do us part" all I could see was a person I wanted to be friends with because of our children. But nothing more. He was no longer who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was exhausted from all the fighting, tears, depression, sadness, anger, hurt and resentment that had been a part of our marriage for way too long. As a result, we had not been the kind of parents or spouses that I knew and believed God intended for us to be. And it was only getting worse.
This was not the life I wanted, and it was especially not the kind of life I wanted for our children. They had witnessed too often the "ugly" sides of us. We were not a good example of a happy, healthy, loving marriage. And that scared me...because this would potentially be what our children someday would use as their point of reference regarding what a marriage should look like.
We had not been bringing out the best in each other anymore; only the worst. As a result, we were getting the worst out of our children. That was tearing me up inside. I especially didn't like the people we had become. Sharp tongued, defensive, usually annoyed, very impatient, short-fused towards the children, mostly frowning, and appearing to be on emotional roller coasters most of the time.
A good friend of mine told me last year that when a marriage comes to an end it may feel like a death, because a marriage has died. You will experience feelings of grief and sadness. You will probably go through a mourning process in order to move forward.
I completely understood what they meant. However, all of those feelings they described I had already been feeling for the last couple of years prior to our marriage actually coming to an end. I was exhausted from all the tears I had cried, the anger and resentment I had built up inside, the depression I was experiencing and the sadness in my heart. When it was finally said out loud, that our marriage was over, I was not sad. There were no more tears shed, yelling, screaming, fighting, or ugly words spoken. Just calmness, peace and a feeling that can be best described as "I could breath again." Because I had already been experiencing the mourning process for years beforehand, I was ready to move forward. It felt like a midlife "Awakening" for my heart and soul. Not a midlife crisis.
I feel extremely thankful for all of the support and understanding we have been receiving from friends and family during this changing time. It is very much appreciated. We have reassured our friends and family that they do not need to feel like they have to take sides or can't talk to the "other" person, just because we are no longer together. We are working really hard at remaining friends and keeping things amicable during this time, because we don't want our friends and family to feel like they are caught in the middle of our personal issues. And we especially don't want our children to feel this way, either.
Psalm 34:5-7
I sought the Lord, who answered me,
delivered me from all fears. Look
to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces many not blush for
shame. In my misfortune I called,
the Lord heard and saved me from all distress.
Monday, February 25, 2013
People Watching
It's a Saturday night. I am sitting at a bar, waiting for a friend to meet me for a drink (but she is running late), and I can't help myself but "people watch." Let's be honest...we have ALL done this at one time or another. Trying to figure out why people choose to dress, wear their make-up, fix their hair and say the things they do. The more they drink, the more fascinating they become to watch.
I know the reason as to why I am sitting at the bar - "I am waiting for a friend" - but why are all these other people hanging out here?" What are their intentions? It is very clear that a man's intentions are not usually too far off from a woman's - especially when they have been drinking.
The guys are checking out the girls. The girls are checking out the guys. It's one big meat market...Wait! It's like high school and college all over again, but about 30 years later with a bunch of 40 and 50 year olds. (Some things truly never change!!!)
Oh, let's not forget the person who needs a smoke. Since all of the bars and restaurants where I live are smoke-free, smokers have to go outside to catch a drag of a cigarette. So, when they re-enter the bar, they REEK of cigarette smoke. (It reminds me of Pig Pen from Charlie Brown...the smoke smell follows in behind the person. LOL!) Yuck! Sure, I want that person to come up to me and get all friendly and flirty in my face...NOT!
Then there are the women at the bar laughing and cackling so LOUD! To the point of being obnoxious and seemingly foolish. They are clearly looking to draw attention to themselves and be noticed - by WHOMEVER will notice them! (And there are some SCARY guys taking notice. HA!) These ladies act as if they are hoping someone will offer to buy them a drink or anything else they had on their mind.
It's the women in outfits that scream "they are looking for sex" that can be the most entertaining (and somewhat sad) to watch. They will "try" to discreetly adjust their bras/boobs (in a really low-cut top), as if to appear 2 sizes bigger than they really are. And then the hair flipping, tilting of the face and flickering of their eye lids, gets added to the mix. These behaviors can be found in the movies, but the actresses usually have time to perfect these nuances, and will appear rather "smooth" at these "flirty" moves. But, in real life, it is not always so smooth and is instead rather funny! And in some cases, even ridiculous.
Well, I am not a person that likes to be obnoxious and draw unsolicited attention to myself. And I am definitely NOT a "looking for sex" kind of gal...now or in the past. I am just fine buying my own drinks...don't want someone thinking I owe him "something" for buying me a couple of drinks. I DON'T cackle loud (at least not in public). And there is no hair flipping and boob adjusting going on with my outfit. Hahaha Being single again in this kind of scene seems almost humorous. ("Almost" being the key word!) Who is a lady to trust if this is what the "single" world looks like now; not so sure I am going to do well in it. Saturday date night with my NOOK is starting to sound more and more appealing! I sure hope it doesn't come to that, but the alternative right now seems pretty scary. AAHHH, the enlightenment from People Watching! LOL!
Well, I am not a person that likes to be obnoxious and draw unsolicited attention to myself. And I am definitely NOT a "looking for sex" kind of gal...now or in the past. I am just fine buying my own drinks...don't want someone thinking I owe him "something" for buying me a couple of drinks. I DON'T cackle loud (at least not in public). And there is no hair flipping and boob adjusting going on with my outfit. Hahaha Being single again in this kind of scene seems almost humorous. ("Almost" being the key word!) Who is a lady to trust if this is what the "single" world looks like now; not so sure I am going to do well in it. Saturday date night with my NOOK is starting to sound more and more appealing! I sure hope it doesn't come to that, but the alternative right now seems pretty scary. AAHHH, the enlightenment from People Watching! LOL!
Friday, February 8, 2013
New Home - New Beginning
As I start the next chapter of my life, I find myself feeling all kinds of feelings and emotions. Peace is the biggest. Last Friday, my house officially became my home, when I was finally able to close on it. I can't believe, it's all mine!
I know that God has been completely in the driver seat of my life these last 16 months! Not that He hasn't always been, but the miracles that were occurring around me during the last two months especially, were so evident of His presence. My old house sold in 11 days. And it sold on the night before Thanksgiving day! That to me was the BIGGEST miracle of all. I thought it would be MONTHS before an offer would be made on my old house, since we were heading into the holiday season. In exchange for this miracle, I had to be moved out in three weeks, which would be the week before Christmas. The new owners wanted to spend Christmas in their new home, so Christmas decorating would have to wait until we were moved into my new home.
My next big miracle was that I found my new home the week before my other one sold...and it was owned by people from my church and school that I had known for the last 12 years. What a blessing that was.
When I entered their home, I got very choked up. I had been praying to God and asking Him to lead me to a house that would feel like a "home" for my children - and would just be smaller version of what I had owned and lived in for the last 10 years. And that was exactly what their home was. Matching colors and design. Crosses on walls and significant religious items in all of their bedrooms and throughout their house. Their home decor was similar to mine, so there would be no new painting necessary or carpet changing in order for my things to look like they belonged in my new house. Their home also felt very blessed! The Lord's presence had been living in their house since they moved into it 14 years ago, and I felt so much peace and thankfulness for having found it.
Additionally, there are things in my new house that I had always wanted in my old house, but we never got around to doing. Things such as: The Complete Garage system in my garage, solid granite counter tops (which happen to be the exact same color as what I had, but were granite tile), a sprinkler system for the yard, a large stone-laid patio, an outside brick fireplace pit on the patio, outside lighting for the trees, a flag holder on the house, storm doors with both glass and screen options on the front door and patio door, etc., etc.
My new house is also in a cul de sac which has neighbor-shared items, such as a trampoline, a basketball goal and half court painted on the street, and bases painted on the street for games of kickball and baseball. How cool is this for my kids. Three blocks from the house is the neighborhood swimming pool and a playground. I can't wait for summer!
And the biggest bonus of my new home is that each of my children still have their own bedroom. That can be hard to do when you have four children.
God has truly blessed me and my children during this transition in our lives. For a long time I did not have the strength to always stand on my own, and the Lord needed to carry me, just so I could get through the day; get through my life. Now, I feel stronger than ever, as I walk along side the Lord, smiling and feeling thankful and filled with his presence in my heart and soul!
I know that God has been completely in the driver seat of my life these last 16 months! Not that He hasn't always been, but the miracles that were occurring around me during the last two months especially, were so evident of His presence. My old house sold in 11 days. And it sold on the night before Thanksgiving day! That to me was the BIGGEST miracle of all. I thought it would be MONTHS before an offer would be made on my old house, since we were heading into the holiday season. In exchange for this miracle, I had to be moved out in three weeks, which would be the week before Christmas. The new owners wanted to spend Christmas in their new home, so Christmas decorating would have to wait until we were moved into my new home.
My next big miracle was that I found my new home the week before my other one sold...and it was owned by people from my church and school that I had known for the last 12 years. What a blessing that was.
When I entered their home, I got very choked up. I had been praying to God and asking Him to lead me to a house that would feel like a "home" for my children - and would just be smaller version of what I had owned and lived in for the last 10 years. And that was exactly what their home was. Matching colors and design. Crosses on walls and significant religious items in all of their bedrooms and throughout their house. Their home decor was similar to mine, so there would be no new painting necessary or carpet changing in order for my things to look like they belonged in my new house. Their home also felt very blessed! The Lord's presence had been living in their house since they moved into it 14 years ago, and I felt so much peace and thankfulness for having found it.
Additionally, there are things in my new house that I had always wanted in my old house, but we never got around to doing. Things such as: The Complete Garage system in my garage, solid granite counter tops (which happen to be the exact same color as what I had, but were granite tile), a sprinkler system for the yard, a large stone-laid patio, an outside brick fireplace pit on the patio, outside lighting for the trees, a flag holder on the house, storm doors with both glass and screen options on the front door and patio door, etc., etc.
My new house is also in a cul de sac which has neighbor-shared items, such as a trampoline, a basketball goal and half court painted on the street, and bases painted on the street for games of kickball and baseball. How cool is this for my kids. Three blocks from the house is the neighborhood swimming pool and a playground. I can't wait for summer!
And the biggest bonus of my new home is that each of my children still have their own bedroom. That can be hard to do when you have four children.
God has truly blessed me and my children during this transition in our lives. For a long time I did not have the strength to always stand on my own, and the Lord needed to carry me, just so I could get through the day; get through my life. Now, I feel stronger than ever, as I walk along side the Lord, smiling and feeling thankful and filled with his presence in my heart and soul!
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