An Awakening For My Heart

When I started blogging last year and titled my blog "A MidLife Awakening," many people questioned where my life was...was I in fact having a "midlife crisis."  I would repeatedly tell them that there was no crisis in my life, only an awakening regarding what needed to change in my life.

My soul had felt lifeless and my heart had been lonely for a very long time.

After almost 23 years of being with the same person, our lives were now going to officially become separate.   Our marriage had not been in a "good" place for many years...and unfortunately it had been taking its toll on our children.   As I looked at the man I believed I would be married to "until death do us part" all I could see was a person I wanted to be friends with because of our children.  But nothing more.  He was no longer who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I was exhausted from all the fighting, tears, depression, sadness, anger, hurt and resentment that had been a part of our marriage for way too long.  As a result, we had not been the kind of parents or spouses that I knew and believed God intended for us to be.  And it was only getting worse.

This was not the life I wanted, and it was especially not the kind of life I wanted for our children.   They had witnessed too often the "ugly" sides of us. We were not a good example of a happy, healthy, loving marriage.  And that scared me...because this would potentially be what our children someday would use as their point of reference regarding what a marriage should look like.

We had not been bringing out the best in each other anymore; only the worst.  As a result, we were getting the worst out of our children.  That was tearing me up inside.  I especially didn't like the people we had become.  Sharp tongued, defensive, usually annoyed, very impatient, short-fused towards the children, mostly frowning, and appearing to be on emotional roller coasters most of the time.

A good friend of mine told me last year that when a marriage comes to an end it may feel like a death, because a marriage has died.  You will experience feelings of grief and sadness.  You will probably go through a mourning process in order to move forward.

I completely understood what they meant.  However, all of those feelings they described I had already been feeling for the last couple of years prior to our marriage actually coming to an end.  I was exhausted from all the tears I had cried, the anger and resentment I had built up inside, the depression I was experiencing and the sadness in my heart.  When it was finally said out loud, that our marriage was over, I was not sad.  There were no more tears shed, yelling, screaming, fighting, or ugly words spoken.  Just calmness, peace and a feeling that can be best described as "I could breath again."  Because I had already been experiencing the mourning process for years beforehand, I was ready to move forward.   It felt like a midlife "Awakening" for my heart and soul.  Not a midlife crisis.


I feel extremely thankful for all of the support and understanding we have been receiving from friends and family during this changing time.  It is very much appreciated.  We have reassured our friends and family that they do not need to feel like they have to take sides or can't talk to the "other" person, just because we are no longer together.  We are working really hard at remaining friends and keeping things amicable during this time, because we don't want our friends and family to feel like they are caught in the middle of our personal issues.  And we especially don't want our children to feel this way, either.

Psalm 34:5-7 

I sought the Lord, who answered me, delivered me from all fears.  Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces many not blush for shame.  In my misfortune I called, the Lord heard and saved me from all distress.

People Watching

It's a Saturday night.  I am sitting at a bar, waiting for a friend to meet me for a drink (but she is running late), and I can't help myself but "people watch."  Let's be honest...we have ALL done this at one time or another.  Trying to figure out why people choose to dress, wear their make-up, fix their hair and say the things they do.   The more they drink, the more fascinating they become to watch.

I know the reason as to why I am sitting at the bar - "I am waiting for a friend" - but why are all these other people hanging out here?"  What are their intentions?  It is very clear that a man's intentions are not usually too far off from a woman's - especially when they have been drinking.

The guys are checking out the girls.  The girls are checking out the guys.  It's one big meat market...Wait!  It's like high school and college all over again, but about 30 years later with a bunch of 40 and 50 year olds.  (Some things truly never change!!!) 

Oh, let's not forget the person who needs a smoke.  Since all of the bars and restaurants where I live are smoke-free, smokers have to go outside to catch a drag of a cigarette.  So, when they re-enter the bar, they REEK of cigarette smoke.  (It reminds me of Pig Pen from Charlie Brown...the smoke smell follows in behind the person.  LOL!)  Yuck!  Sure, I want that person to come up to me and get all friendly and flirty in my face...NOT!

Then there are the women at the bar laughing and cackling so LOUD!  To the point of being obnoxious and seemingly foolish.  They are clearly looking to draw attention to themselves and be noticed - by WHOMEVER will notice them!  (And there are some SCARY guys taking notice.  HA!)  These ladies act as if they are hoping someone will offer to buy them a drink or anything else they had on their mind.

It's the women in outfits that scream "they are looking for sex" that can be the most entertaining (and somewhat sad) to watch.  They will "try" to discreetly adjust their bras/boobs (in a really low-cut top), as if to appear 2 sizes bigger than they really are.  And then the hair flipping, tilting of the face and flickering of their eye lids, gets added to the mix.  These behaviors can be found in the movies, but the actresses usually have time to perfect these nuances, and will appear rather "smooth" at these "flirty" moves.  But, in real life, it is not always so smooth and is instead rather funny!  And in some cases, even ridiculous.

Well, I am not a person that likes to be obnoxious and draw unsolicited attention to myself.  And I am definitely NOT a "looking for sex" kind of gal...now or in the past.  I am just fine buying my own drinks...don't want someone thinking I owe him "something" for buying me a couple of drinks.  I DON'T cackle loud (at least not in public).  And there is no hair flipping and boob adjusting going on with my outfit.  Hahaha  Being single again in this kind of scene seems almost humorous.  ("Almost" being the key word!)  Who is a lady to trust if this is what the "single" world looks like now; not so sure I am going to do well in it.  Saturday date night with my NOOK is starting to sound more and more appealing!  I sure hope it doesn't come to that, but the alternative right now seems pretty scary.  AAHHH, the enlightenment from People Watching!  LOL!

New Home - New Beginning

As I start the next chapter of my life, I find myself feeling all kinds of feelings and emotions.  Peace is the biggest.  Last Friday, my house officially became my home, when I was finally able to close on it.  I can't believe, it's all mine!

I know that God has been completely in the driver seat of my life these last 16 months!  Not that He hasn't always been, but the miracles that were occurring around me during the last two months especially, were so evident of His presence.  My old house sold in 11 days.  And it sold on the night before Thanksgiving day!  That to me was the BIGGEST miracle of all.  I thought it would be MONTHS before an offer would be made on my old house, since we were heading into the holiday season.  In exchange for this miracle, I had to be moved out in three weeks, which would be the week before Christmas.  The new owners wanted to spend Christmas in their new home, so Christmas decorating would have to wait until we were moved into my new home.

My next big miracle was that I found my new home the week before my other one sold...and it was owned by people from my church and school that I had known for the last 12 years.   What a blessing that was.

When I entered their home, I got very choked up.  I had been praying to God and asking Him to lead me to a house that would feel like a "home" for my children - and would just be smaller version of what I had owned and lived in for the last 10 years.  And that was exactly what their home was.  Matching colors and design.  Crosses on walls and significant religious items in all of their bedrooms and throughout their house.  Their home decor was similar to mine, so there would be no new painting necessary or carpet changing in order for my things to look like they belonged in my new house.  Their home also felt very blessed!  The Lord's presence had been living in their house since they moved into it 14 years ago, and I felt so much peace and thankfulness for having found it.

Additionally, there are things in my new house that I had always wanted in my old house, but we never got around to doing.  Things such as:  The Complete Garage system in my garage, solid granite counter tops (which happen to be the exact same color as what I had, but were granite tile), a sprinkler system for the yard, a large stone-laid patio, an outside brick fireplace pit on the patio, outside lighting for the trees, a flag holder on the house, storm doors with both glass and screen options on the front door and patio door, etc., etc.

My new house is also in a cul de sac which has neighbor-shared items, such as a trampoline, a basketball goal and half court painted on the street, and bases painted on the street for games of kickball and baseball.  How cool is this for my kids.  Three blocks from the house is the neighborhood swimming pool and a playground.  I can't wait for summer!

And the biggest bonus of my new home is that each of my children still have their own bedroom.  That can be hard to do when you have four children.

God has truly blessed me and my children during this transition in our lives.  For a long time I did not have the strength to always stand on my own, and the Lord needed to carry me, just so I could get through the day; get through my life.  Now, I feel stronger than ever, as I walk along side the Lord, smiling and feeling thankful and filled with his presence in my heart and soul!