I Am No Martha Stewart

So many thoughts to share...but so little time to do it lately!  The list is endless regarding the categories I am in the mood to blog about.  However, my poor stuffed up head, stiff neck and congested nose (which is starting to feel like a sinus infection, and if it is, then I usually end up with bronchitis!), has created THE WORST BRAIN FOG, (and the crappiest cold!), and I can't seem to stay focused now that I have the time to actually write.  I guess this is my body's way of letting me know "I have stayed up way TOO late TOO many nights" for the last two weeks in an effort to accomplish all I needed to get done before I had to leave town two days ago with Daughter and Son #2 for a Performing Arts Event called "The ARTS"(Applause Rising Talent Showcase) in Orlando, Florida.

I have started and restarted this particular post now 5 times and I can't seem to keep it on track.  So now, I am just blogging about exactly that.  My Brain Fog is because I am sick with a cold - in my head...literally.

I did manage to publish a post this morning on my other blog "A CRAZY STAGE MOM" - However, I wrote it last week...but then I was so busy with all of the other stuff I was trying to complete before my trip, I forgot to post it until this morning.  So much for blogging in the moment.  LOL!

Why do I bring myself right up to the edge?  I push it to the limit...and then sadly, I pay for it.   I get so busy and caught up doing for the kids and others, that I forget to take care of myself.  I forget to eat meals (not intentionally), but I usually don't realize it until around 3:00 that I missed both breakfast and lunch because I start having either body shakes, nausea or a headache.  By that point, my blood sugar is crashing.  This is not good!  "Quick!  Get me some protein and juice!"

So then in an effort to correct the situation, I end up grabbing something unhealthy from a fast food restaurant - but then that makes my stomach feel bloated and like garbage.  Hey, but the headache is gone.  However, I end up sabotaging my hard, sweated efforts from working out at the gym and my Zumba classes and I am sure I have just added another inch to my hip, thighs and stomach.  Ugghh!

Oh, and those wonderful vitamins and supplements that REALLY do make a difference...why do I seem to forget to take them especially when I need them the most!!!  Oh yeah...because I forgot to eat breakfast...and lunch!!!  After several days (possibly even weeks) of doing this to myself...my body gives up and illness sets in.

This is a cycle I am sure MANY other moms can relate to...but may not admit to.  Because then the pressure of trying to be a "SUPERMOM", (which is the ability to get it ALL done), would be exposed and realized that we CAN'T always get it ALL done...and that is perfectly FINE!!!  (We just can't let our bodies fall to pieces when we are valiantly trying to get as much done as possible.)

I believe that the unspoken pressure of trying to be a "Supermom" became a reality when Martha Stewart made it big.  I really do enjoy her television shows which are educational and at times entertaining.  And her books and magazines have wonderful pictures, dreamy recipes and interesting articles.  However, her domestic goddess empire has provided an unappreciated heavy burden and expectation for me (and perhaps many other women), with her constant phrase, "It's a good thing."  This has caused many people to feel like if they were not doing it the "Martha Stewart Way" - then it's NOT "a good thing."  I call this "The Martha Stewart Curse."  Many of us have it, and don't know how to get rid of it.  We want to, we try to, we probably even need to (for the sanity of our families), but in the end we fall prey to still trying to make sure everything in our lives "is a good thing."  Without realizing it, I have been guilty of giving off that persona to those around me.  My apologies to those I "misled" in believing I could do it all, because guess what...I can't!  And my body just told me so LOUD AND CLEAR this week!

I suppose if I had the time, money, and staff like Martha does, then perhaps everything in my life would be "a good thing" and I COULD "whip up" a five course meal - every night for my family.  But alas, I don't have those luxuries, so my family will just have to settle for the main dish with a couple of sides at dinnertime.  And if I am feeling really crazy, I may even start their meal off with a salad.  But, when it comes to dessert, they are on their own.  (Oh, it's not that bad in my home...I do occasionally make or bake something dessert-like for my family... maybe once a week, but NOT every day.  hahaha)

If I had the same resources as Martha, I could also keep my house model-home picture perfect at all times; have an amazing organic garden surrounded by exotic flowers and plants to naturally keep away the unwanted bugs desiring my delicious crop of fruits and veggies; there would be constant projects around my home for improvements, that actually got completed; and ALL of my cooking would be FRESH, FROM SCRATCH and NATURAL.

Boy, that sounds just perfect...for someone with no children, not married, not living with another person, and no financial responsibilities to anyone else other than themselves.   I guess Martha may have forgotten who her audience really was when she was promoting her "Martha Way" of life.  Perhaps she should have written in all her books and magazines, and started all of her television shows with a disclaimer..."Beware.  My Way could be harmful to your health."  ;-)

HONESTY

It was 1979, I was 12 years old and in seventh grade.  I had to write a biography about a famous person.  I selected Billy Joel.  I loved that he played the piano (which I had been playing for about 7 years at that time) and he was from New York.  HE WAS COOL!  And he still is!!!  I have seen him in concert - twice!!  Most recently about 18 months ago.  LOVE HIS SONGS and HIS PIANO PLAYING!!!!  :-)

Back on October 13, 1978, his album (which was a BIG black vinyl circle object we played on a record player - hahaha) called "52nd Street" was released.  (Wow!  Son #1 was born on October 13th - nineteen years later.  Cool!)  Some of the songs that were popular from this album were "My Life," "Big Shot," and "Honesty."  My favorite of the three was "Honesty."  Even though I was only 11 years old at the time, the lyrics to this song spoke volumes to me.

Over the years, Billy has continued to write wonderful songs with thought provoking lyrics.  Many of his songs are tied to memories of my life.  But the one that still has a special place in my heart and is still one of my favorites, 33 years later,  is "Honesty."  I could listen to this song over and over and never get tired of the music or the lyrics.

Lately, I have been experiencing a variety of "honesty" related issues with friends and family.  What I am slowly realizing is that a person's lack of "honesty" really isn't a reflection of me.  It is something within themselves that they are struggling to be honest with.   Being honest isn't always easy, and sometimes other's feelings may get hurt.  But it is REAL!  I don't believe that being honest should be mean or cruel, though.   Consideration and thoughtfulness needs to be included when a one is being honest.  But to be dishonest to someone, because a person wants to either spare someone's feelings, or doesn't want to have to face the issues around being honest, that is actually more painful to the person on the receiving end.

As a parent, my children aren't always honest with me.  And when they aren't, that is just a choice they choose to make.  While it is disappointing and will make me sad, dishonesty has a way of making itself known.   I keep trying to teach my children that being honest can be so freeing.   Even if there will be consequences from being honest, they are still far less painful, then the consequences from dishonesty or a lie.

"Honesty" is something I value, and believe in.    And even when family and friends around me, choose to not be honest, I will continue to be who I am - an honest person.  My "honesty" is NOT spiteful, mean or hurtful.  It comes from a good place within me.   But it is REAL.  And I would rather be honest and work through the difficulties that may come from being honest, than dealing with the pain and consequences from being dishonest.  I wish others felt the same way, too.......


'HONESTY"
by Billy Joel

If you search for tenderness 
it isn't hard to find. 
You can have the love you need to live. 
But if you look for truthfulness 
You might just as well be blind. 
It always seems to be so hard to give. 

Honesty is such a lonely word. 
Everyone is so untrue. 
Honesty is hardly ever heard. 
And mostly what I need from you. 

I can always find someone 
to say they sympathize. 
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve. 
But I don't want some pretty face 
to tell me pretty lies. 
All I want is someone to believe. 

Honesty is such a lonely word. 
Everyone is so untrue. 
Honesty is hardly ever heard. 
And mostly what I need from you. 

I can find a lover. 
I can find a friend. 
I can have security until the bitter end. 
Anyone can comfort me 
with promises again. 
I know, I know. 

When I'm deep inside of me 
don't be too concerned. 
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone. 
But when I want sincerity 
tell me where else can I turn. 
Because you're the one I depend upon. 

Honesty is such a lonely word. 
Everyone is so untrue. 
Honesty is hardly ever heard. 
And mostly what I need from you. 

Video:
"Honesty" by Billy Joel

TRUST

When I first started my blog in April, I had so much enthusiasm and excitement.  I was typing posts almost everyday, and a couple of times even two in one day.  My creative thoughts were flowing and I was enjoying myself.  Having a blog turned out to be much easier than I thought it was going to be (even though I still don't know how to add all the bells and whistles to my blog, like I have seen on other blogs).

Depending on what was on my mind, going on in my life, or something I had read would inspire me regarding what I would blog about.  It seemed that I was figuring out this "blogging" thing and I was having fun with it.

But then doubt slowly started creeping in.  A few people called or emailed me - concerned about my state of being.  Seriously, my state of being is just fine - thanks to my vitamins, supplements and hormone replacement therapy.  LOL!  I am a person who is very social, friendly and involved at my church, the kid's school and their extra-curricular activities.  However, over the years, I had become very protective about my personal life.  I didn't walk around with a sign on my back regarding the status of my life, marriage, friendships or my kids.  I learned a long time ago (unfortunately, the hard way) who I could REALLY trust and what parts of me I could share.  When I decided to start blogging, I thought that perhaps through blogging, some of the "armor" shielding my life might come down and some of the real me would begin to shine through again.   

In May, my blog posts began to lessen.  Even though I still had MANY people tell me in person, email me or call me, complimenting me about my blog posts, I was becoming insecure about what I should share and questioning my intentions regarding why I had a blog to begin with.  I was allowing a "minority" of people affect what a "majority" of people seemed to like.   My brain seemed to be OK with this, but my heart was being affected differently.   My brain was thinking, but my heart was feeling.

Then at the end of May, I received a "whammy" of a comment regarding a post I wrote for my new blog "A Crazy Stage Mom".  After reading the "mean-spirited" comment, I retreated...momentarily.  Then about two hours later, my adrenaline kicked into high gear, and I NEEDED to reply not only to her, but also anyone else that felt the same way (and I didn't know it).  My thoughts were racing through my mind...was this person someone who knew me, that I considered a friend?  How could they be so mean, if they were my friend?  Perhaps my judgment of people was not so great.  Who should I trust?  Who can I trust?

TRUST is a powerful word.  It can make a person...and it can break a person.  When you trust someone or a situation, you are allowing yourself to become vulnerable and openly accessible.  Because I want to be trusted, I give my trust freely.  Possibly, too free.  So many times over the years (and even recently), I have kicked myself for "not knowing better"... for following my heart instead of my head, regarding who I can trust and how much of myself I will share.

It has been a week since I last wrote a blog post.  Not that I haven't had plenty of thoughts swirling in my mind that I have wanted to write about.  But it seems that I have become overly conscious about what to write and how to say it because of a few mean and cruel words that one person posted on one of my posts.  My state of TRUST has been chipped at and it doesn't feel good.

I know in some of my previous posts, I have questioned my reasons for blogging, and have acknowledged the position of vulnerability I place myself in by having a blog.  I accept and understand that.  But it still doesn't make it any less uncomfortable or even painful when people are judgmental or mean.  Someone told me a few weeks ago that if I wanted to have a blog, I needed to have thicker skin.  At the time it didn't make sense why they would have said that to me.  Sadly, I get it now.  What I don't understand is that if someone doesn't like someone else's blog, then why read it?

At this point, I really want to continue blogging, but I am not sure I have the heart for it.  I am lacking a HUGE amount of TRUST as to whether I want to continue to share ME with others.  My blogs were being written from my heart, and now I feel like it has been invaded by an uninvited guest.  But I guess, when you are part of the internet world, there are going to be LOTS of uninvited guests that are stalking around and going where they weren't invited.  I recognize this was a risk when I started blogging, but I never imagined I would receive some of the comments, phone calls and emails I have.

IT'S JUST A PERSONAL BLOG!!!!  I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!!!

Two months ago when I wrote a blog post called "Why Am I Even Blogging," I was actually feeling concerned about what I would write about because I didn't want to hurt or offend anyone with my posts.  I guess when it comes to comments others make, that's a whole other arena and it doesn't apply to some people.

Standing on my night table next to my bed is a cross.  On it is a verse about TRUST.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

This verse was engraved on my heart six years ago.  During some of my most painful times and scary moments, this verse has given me huge amounts of strength.  Perhaps this is what I need to do regarding my blog.  Trust Him.  Let Go and Let God...allow Him to lead me regarding what I will write and how my blogs will continue to evolve.  I need to continue to trust in TRUST.  :-)