TRUST

When I first started my blog in April, I had so much enthusiasm and excitement.  I was typing posts almost everyday, and a couple of times even two in one day.  My creative thoughts were flowing and I was enjoying myself.  Having a blog turned out to be much easier than I thought it was going to be (even though I still don't know how to add all the bells and whistles to my blog, like I have seen on other blogs).

Depending on what was on my mind, going on in my life, or something I had read would inspire me regarding what I would blog about.  It seemed that I was figuring out this "blogging" thing and I was having fun with it.

But then doubt slowly started creeping in.  A few people called or emailed me - concerned about my state of being.  Seriously, my state of being is just fine - thanks to my vitamins, supplements and hormone replacement therapy.  LOL!  I am a person who is very social, friendly and involved at my church, the kid's school and their extra-curricular activities.  However, over the years, I had become very protective about my personal life.  I didn't walk around with a sign on my back regarding the status of my life, marriage, friendships or my kids.  I learned a long time ago (unfortunately, the hard way) who I could REALLY trust and what parts of me I could share.  When I decided to start blogging, I thought that perhaps through blogging, some of the "armor" shielding my life might come down and some of the real me would begin to shine through again.   

In May, my blog posts began to lessen.  Even though I still had MANY people tell me in person, email me or call me, complimenting me about my blog posts, I was becoming insecure about what I should share and questioning my intentions regarding why I had a blog to begin with.  I was allowing a "minority" of people affect what a "majority" of people seemed to like.   My brain seemed to be OK with this, but my heart was being affected differently.   My brain was thinking, but my heart was feeling.

Then at the end of May, I received a "whammy" of a comment regarding a post I wrote for my new blog "A Crazy Stage Mom".  After reading the "mean-spirited" comment, I retreated...momentarily.  Then about two hours later, my adrenaline kicked into high gear, and I NEEDED to reply not only to her, but also anyone else that felt the same way (and I didn't know it).  My thoughts were racing through my mind...was this person someone who knew me, that I considered a friend?  How could they be so mean, if they were my friend?  Perhaps my judgment of people was not so great.  Who should I trust?  Who can I trust?

TRUST is a powerful word.  It can make a person...and it can break a person.  When you trust someone or a situation, you are allowing yourself to become vulnerable and openly accessible.  Because I want to be trusted, I give my trust freely.  Possibly, too free.  So many times over the years (and even recently), I have kicked myself for "not knowing better"... for following my heart instead of my head, regarding who I can trust and how much of myself I will share.

It has been a week since I last wrote a blog post.  Not that I haven't had plenty of thoughts swirling in my mind that I have wanted to write about.  But it seems that I have become overly conscious about what to write and how to say it because of a few mean and cruel words that one person posted on one of my posts.  My state of TRUST has been chipped at and it doesn't feel good.

I know in some of my previous posts, I have questioned my reasons for blogging, and have acknowledged the position of vulnerability I place myself in by having a blog.  I accept and understand that.  But it still doesn't make it any less uncomfortable or even painful when people are judgmental or mean.  Someone told me a few weeks ago that if I wanted to have a blog, I needed to have thicker skin.  At the time it didn't make sense why they would have said that to me.  Sadly, I get it now.  What I don't understand is that if someone doesn't like someone else's blog, then why read it?

At this point, I really want to continue blogging, but I am not sure I have the heart for it.  I am lacking a HUGE amount of TRUST as to whether I want to continue to share ME with others.  My blogs were being written from my heart, and now I feel like it has been invaded by an uninvited guest.  But I guess, when you are part of the internet world, there are going to be LOTS of uninvited guests that are stalking around and going where they weren't invited.  I recognize this was a risk when I started blogging, but I never imagined I would receive some of the comments, phone calls and emails I have.

IT'S JUST A PERSONAL BLOG!!!!  I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!!!

Two months ago when I wrote a blog post called "Why Am I Even Blogging," I was actually feeling concerned about what I would write about because I didn't want to hurt or offend anyone with my posts.  I guess when it comes to comments others make, that's a whole other arena and it doesn't apply to some people.

Standing on my night table next to my bed is a cross.  On it is a verse about TRUST.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

This verse was engraved on my heart six years ago.  During some of my most painful times and scary moments, this verse has given me huge amounts of strength.  Perhaps this is what I need to do regarding my blog.  Trust Him.  Let Go and Let God...allow Him to lead me regarding what I will write and how my blogs will continue to evolve.  I need to continue to trust in TRUST.  :-)