It is 5:15 in the morning and I am wide awake. This is about one hour earlier than I should have been, but that's ok today. As I am laying in my bed praying and enjoying the quietest part of my day, I find my mind drifting back to 10 years ago.
I can't believe it has been 10 years today, since I birthed my third Child - 2nd Son. Reminiscing on that time of my life and my pregnancy with him, has both good and not so good memories. So with those thoughts come some smiles and tears.
In May 2002, we moved into what was called our "Dream Home". We bought the one acre, lakefront land in Fall 2000, found a builder to custom build our 6500 square foot home in 2001 and 8 months after the ground was broke, we were beginning a new chapter in a new home. What should have been one of the happiest times in my life, was short lived and within a couple of months we had spent a whole weekend fighting and threats were made that would eventually years later, become my reality.
A couple months after this life-altering weekend, things seemed to be improving, and thoughts of having another child were being considered. By late September 2002, I discovered I was pregnant. Because my focus would be on this new life growing within me, I believed that any of the negative issues happening in my life at that time, would subside. Unfortunately, they lingered. As a result of this, I became very depressed. At the time, I was in denial that I could possibly be experiencing depression. After all, I should be in a state of pregnancy bliss...happy and joyful about the new life growing within me - not sad, depressed and feeling hopeless.
With these depressed feelings and emotions, came what I call "Days of Color". For some reason, I actually "saw" these colors around me...my mental lens to the world would now be labeled with colors. On days when I was feeling my lowest of lows, all around me looked "black". It felt "black". If I had a day that wasn't great, but I had not cried that day, then my day was "gray". Then there were days when I was so ANGRY with my life, and certain people in my life, my color would be "red" - with rage. Every once in a while I would have a "yellow" day - life felt sunny and cheerful. This might be due to a moment when I had laughed and/or smiled at some point during my day. I really longed for more "yellow" days...but unfortunately, those days were far and few between. A "blue" day meant there wasn't anything good or not good about the day...it was just another day.
After experiencing several weeks of these "Days of Color", I became very concerned that my emotional state of being was going to negatively impact the personality of the child I would birth. I cried about this for weeks worrying that my child growing within me, would "feel" what I was feeling and would have "issues" someday, possibly as a result of the energy I was sending them in utero. I remember having MANY conversations with God about this and praying endlessly to protect this baby from my sadness and depression. About half way through my pregnancy, I finally decided to seek out professional help and started attending therapy.
Thanks to my therapist, I was able to decode my "Days of Color" and visualize what other colors might feel like, so I could stop always seeing and feeling "black", "gray" and "red" days. By the time 2nd Son was born, I was in fact having fewer "dark" days, but they were not completely gone.
I am not sure at what point in the early days of his life I realized that my mental state during my pregnancy had in fact NOT affected him in any way. I remember noticing how happy he always was. So good natured, calm and peaceful. He was NOTHING like I had been acting or feeling the whole time I was pregnant with him. He was a true angel, sent from God, as a reminder to me that I was going to be fine. Life was good, and motherhood was in fact the calling meant for my life.
As I looked at my baby son's face, I felt so much thankfulness for him and the joy he was bringing me...the dark he was pulling me out of!
Through the years, he has remained true to the beautiful nature and disposition that God gave him. He ALWAYS wakes with a smile and kind word. Of my four children, he is the first one to offer me help and assistance, before I have to ask. Never does a day go by that he does not tell me "Thank You for being my mom" and " I Love You for being my mom". He is sensitive to those around him and will be the first to apologize and ask for forgiveness when he has done something wrong. Since he was a toddler, he likes to hum a happy tune, just because. I don't think he even notices he does this. But those around him do, and it usually puts a smile on the face of the person who hears it. His happiness and joyfulness is always apparent and even contagious. When he was a baby, I gave him the love term "Snuggle Bunny" because he loved to give hugs and kisses, and STILL does. Forever will he be my "Snuggle Bunny!"
The thing that melts my heart the most about this angel of mine, is his devotion to God and his prayers to Jesus! His prayers at bedtime are not quick. There are LOTS of things he wants to say "thanks" for and LOTS of people he wants to pray for, and even situations he will ask God for guidance and help with - for either himself or someone else.
If God was trying to prepare any of my children for a Religious Life, 2nd Son appears to be first in line. On the evening of his First Communion, he asked our Pastor if there was a Saint named after him. When Father told him there wasn't, 2nd Son's response was that perhaps he could be the first Saint, then, with his name. WOW! Then right before he went to bed that night he told me he was confused regarding what he should be when he grows up...he was thinking about becoming a priest...and he wanted to know what I thought? Another WOW! (I told him I thought that was wonderful, and if he felt called to that from God, when he grows up, then he should follow that calling.)
To some this may seem like "child" stuff, but for me he is a constant reminder that God was with me, never abandoned me during my pregnancy with him...during my dark days. And He is still with me. In response to my prayers, He blessed me with 2nd Son. I am forever thankful to God for him, and Happy Birthday to 2nd son really is a "HAPPY BIRTH-DAY" for me, because of him. I love you, 2nd son! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
