My Daughter Inspires Me

How many times do we have conversations in our head of the things we would write about, if only we had a tape recorder attached to our mind.  I find myself having MANY of these types of conversations - often.  And wishing I could put it to paper (or computer) at that moment, but can't always because I am usually busy performing mommy duties.  These conversations I have in my mind, have been occurring since I was in grade school.  I used to write these thoughts in my diaries, compose poetry and kept journals.  Then I began typing and saving them on my computer.  A couple of years ago I joined the blogging world and started sharing some of my thoughts with others.

Since my youth, writing has always been an outlet for me.   Sometimes it has felt like a big mind purge...so many thoughts to write about.  Then there are other times when I will think about writing a book about certain personal experiences in my life.  However, I imagine fictional characters I would include, because I don't want the main character and story to be directly about me (even though the book is influenced by me).

Over the years, I have come to realize what we felt as a youth, is not much different than what we feel as an adult.  The intensity of our feelings will vary and are based on our life experiences.  How many years we have lived.  The types of people in our life that have helped us write our life story.  The profound effect emotions will have on what we want to say to the world.  Each of our stories can be life changing to others...and yet how many of us keep these stories inside.  The feelings we feel and experiences we have are real and can be impacting to others.  We need to share them!

As I read blogs posted by people I know, and those I don't, I am inspired by their writing.  Albeit, some are better than others, but overall, the fact that someone took the time to write and share their personal thoughts and experiences...I love!  And letting a fellow writer know this, is important.  Because being a writer is HARD!!!  And we need to support each other.  We need to encourage each other.  Being vulnerable is scary...and yet as writers we are willing to do it because we feel called to do so.   It is a part of who we are...and in a weird sort of way, we hope our story will help someone else.  And most of the time it does, even when we don't know it.

My daughter's writing is a great example of her helping someone else, when she didn't know she was.  That person is me!  When she was 11 years old (yes, only 11 years old), she wrote and recorded for a demo CD a song called, "On My Own."  (She is currently 14 years old.)  For such a young person at the time, she had the wisdom of an adult.  And whenever I hear her song, it gets me a little choked up.  Not just because she is my daughter and the lyrics are so profound at 11 years old (because of what she had heard and experienced from when her dad and I were married), but because she has the talent and ability to write the words she did and then put it to music (with the help of a friend)!!!  Such a gift!!  And one she has had since she was around 7 years old!   She inspires me!  Her writing has helped heal me!

ON MY OWN - by Elizabeth Ragan

I know that in movies and songs, he's always coming back begging her please.
But that's not how he was to me.
You left me outside in the cold, pouring rain.
'Cuz you said that you'd be back on that day, but you never did, you never did.

So I've learned to move on and I've got my life back, it don't involve you no more.
'Cuz I am on my own.
With no body else's weight on my shoulders.
And I am living the dream without you. 

It really did hurt just to know that all that you said, it was a lie.
Yes it was a matter of time.
You said that you loved me,  but that wasn't true, you let me down hard, and now I'm blue.
I hope you know it's because of you.

So I've learned to move on and I've got my life back, it don't involve you no more.  

'Cuz I am on my own.  

With no body else's weight on my shoulders.  

I am living the dream without you. 

I gave you my heart, just to have you throw it all away.
I gave you my all, but you let me fall.

'Cuz I am on my own.
With no body else's weight on my shoulders.

I've learned to move on and I've got my life back, it don't involve you no more.
'Cuz I am on my own.
With no body else's weight on my shoulders.
And I am living the dream without you.

Someone better is what I'll find.  I'm leaving the idea of you behind."

____________________

I would love to attach the mp3 link of this song in this post so it could be listened to.  But, I can't seem to figure it out.  UUGGHH!!   Perhaps I can attached it in a FaceBook post.  Hopefully, she will continue to share her talent of writing with the rest of the world as she gets older.  I imagine her becoming a great songwriter...combining her talents of singing, music and writing all in one.   The interesting thing about my daughter, she is very modest about her ability.  If she knew I shared this about her in my blog, she probably would not speak to me for DAYS (maybe even weeks or months)!!!  But I want the world to know...to watch for her because someday she will do what I only dreamed of...sharing her God-given writing and singing talent with the rest of us.  

I pray that those who read my post, if you feel called to be a writer, you will do so!  And to those of you who are already writing, continue to do so!   We WANT to hear what you have to say!  It may change the rest of us for the better...it could change the course of someone's life!!

Trust and Let Go!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not.  In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will make straight your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

What a powerful Attitude to have towards our Lord.  Such faith is required of us, to be able to fully TRUST - NOT FEAR what the Lord may be asking of us, or in many cases, telling us.

As a child, we know no different than to TRUST - all that we are told, all that we hear, most everyone we know.  As we grow older, that part within us, that so freely and unconditionally TRUSTS seems to lessen; we become more doubtful, more fearful, more hesitant, more cautious, more controlling.

Why does this seem to also be true of our relationship with God?  Does He give us reasons to doubt?  Or does man?  Does He give us reasons to be afraid? Or does man? Why do we continue to try and control every part of our life, when really we are not the ones in control - GOD IS!

God TRUSTS us - He gave us His only son.  Why do we have such a difficult time TRUSTING Him?

A phrase that was stated repeatedly when I attended a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat for the first time in September 2005 was “LET GO; LET GOD.”  Who knew that when it was our team’s turn to select a bible verse for the retreat we would then put on for other women in our parish, we would be led to Proverbs 3:5-6.

In September 2006, as our team was preparing for our Agape service for the CRHP Team 5 Women’s group, I received a phone call from my father.  As I was praying with my CRHP sisters my mother was having what would become the first of four heart attacks in a three week period of time.  As I sat in the surgery waiting room with my father and several of my CRHP brothers and sisters, waiting to speak to a doctor, waiting to hear my mother’s status, I had a feeling of stillness.  It was as if our Lord was holding me up - keeping me from falling apart in front of my father, because he was not coping so well.  I believe that I was surrounded with the armor of prayer from others - with which I was drawing my strength from.

In the early morning hours, I arrived home from the hospital, not really knowing what lied ahead - or what the future had in store for me and my parents.  I wanted to know.  I needed to know.  I needed to feel like I could control the situation, even though logically I knew I couldn’t.  But I wanted to try!

Upon entering my bathroom, I was greeted by our team’s beautiful red candle.    As I stood there holding it, reading the words of our bible verse and looking at the picture on the front of it, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Not only was it a picture of Our Lord, but it was the Divine Mercy picture with the words “Jesus, I Trust In You” underneath it. It was as if these words were screaming out at me louder than ever before. 

TRUST!  TRUST!  I need to TRUST!  I need to HAVE FAITH that I can TRUST IN THE LORD - COMPLETELY!  Not just say it anymore...but do it!  Really do it!  But how was I to do this, when all I could see and feel was the fear of losing my mother while I was 8 months pregnant with my 4th child?  I needed to LET GO; I needed to LET GOD! 

During those three weeks of hospital stays, repeated heart attacks and a quadruple bypass surgery, I never seemed to stray from feelings of peace and calmness.  My only explanation for this is that I finally truly TRUSTED and allowed God to be in control of my life.  Our team verse became so much more than a verse to me - it was my strength.  It was my lifeline to God and it provided me the focus I needed to deal with family, friends, doctors and anyone else that was connected to my mom.  I started every day saying our verse and repeating it again every night before going to sleep.  It had become my mantra.

When faced with adversities, how do we handle them?  Do we run towards God or do we run in the opposite direction?  Are we quiet long enough to hear Him; to listen to what He is trying to tell us?  Or do we continue with the chatter of life around us in an effort to avoid Him because we are afraid of what He might say?  If we truly TRUST in the Lord with all our heart, than we will rely on His intelligence - not ours!  We will want to listen to what He has to say.  If we always remember Him - think of Him - TRUST Him, He WILL make our paths straight!  He Will Show Us The Way!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not.  In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will make straight your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

The Start of Our Love Story

About 6 months ago, I wrote the following note for my love, Anthony.

"Longer than I can remember, I've been in love with the idea of you.

I didn't know whether you were real, but I believed you were out there looking for me and someday we would be one. 

Thank you for finding me.

God has been giving me signs of your existence since the moment my heart was broken by another years ago.  It is only now, that those past moments and things makes sense to me.

Others can not relate, understand or accept that only God could have brought us together, because He meant this to be true.

You are not my rebound, because I feeling spiritually bound to you.  

I'm so deeply in love with you - all that you are, your body, mind and soul.  Your faith and love draw me even closer to you.  

I love you!"

Back during the time of my separation from my ex-husband, I did not date, or give my phone number out to men that asked.  That time was a time for me to heal.  It was not a time for me meet new men or start a new relationship when the one I was currently in was not "officially over."  I felt that once there was a divorce decree, then I would "consider" dating again.  But that was a big MAYBE!  My children were my priority and focus during this time.   

Also, I was pretty sure dating and the rules of dating had dramatically changed since I was in college based on the stories I had heard from friends that were divorced and dating again.  The idea of being back out in the dating world, after having been with the same person for the last 24 years, scared me a bit, to say the least.  Dating was far off my radar!

My divorce was finalized on my mother's birthday.  At the time I thought "how interesting that this would be the date for my divorce."  

Then a couple weeks later, I was attending a meeting at my church.  During the meeting, a discussion about where and how Catholic singles meet other Catholic singles these days was occurring.  As the secretary of this group, I was listening rather intently and taking notes (in my mind).  They mentioned online dating as an option and shared with the group several Catholic online dating sites.  I had never heard of these sites, nor had the thought of considering them an option regarding where I would meet men to date someday, had yet entered my mind...until that night.  

So, out of curiosity, I decided to check out a few of these sites.  What I came to realize was that you can surf around them and read some stuff, but if you want to gain full access, you have to have a membership, set up an account and create a profile.  EEEEEKKK!!!   I wasn't sure I was completely ready for this.  I had heard so many stories about "nightmare" meetings on other non-Catholic sites, I was a bit fearful if this would be the same on these Catholic sites.   

I had shared my thoughts and concerns with a good friend, who "strongly" encouraged me to give it a try.   He knew my history and thought I may in fact meet a nice guy on one of these sites.  He told me I deserved to be happy after all that I had been through and if it turned out to not be my thing, I could cancel my membership and meet guys in other ways.  No big loss.  

After that encouraging conversation, I decided "why not."  What did I have to lose?  I was curious to see what kind of single Catholic men were out there in the dating world, and this seemed like a somewhat safe way to do it.  Especially if the prospects were NOT my type.

I became a member of CatholicMatch.com, CatholicSingles.com, and CatholicMingle.com on Thursday, February 14th, Valentine's Day 2013.  

OMG!!!  I did not expect what would happen as soon as my profiles went LIVE.  The sites are set up so that you can see all of the people that view your profile and the number of views you are receiving.  It was SOOOO uncomfortable!!  Within the first hour online, I already had almost 50 views just on one site alone!  I was thinking "THIS IS CRAZY!!!" And, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"

I went out with a friend on Valentine's Day night.  When I told her what I had done just hours before we met up, she was speechless (I guess I was a bit too, when the realization of what I had done had finally set in.  LOL!)  I made her swear to secrecy about my online "adventure".  Which she agreed to.  But then she was curious (if not more so than I) as to who these men were that were viewing me, sending me messages, inviting me to take a temperament test, and giving me an "online" bouquets of flowers, offering a rosary for me, giving me an "online" valentine bear, beaming me a smile, and inviting me to chat.  I had not laughed as much as we did that night in a very long time!  

By Sunday evening, I was feeling like the online dating scene was not going to be for me after all.  I had NOT replied to even one person.  (Online etiquette recommends you at least thank people for commenting or sending you a message...however, I was not following those rules.  I figured if I would not talk with them in person, then I did not want to talk with them online.  Even a thank you.)  No one caught my attention or even seemed remotely a possibility of someone I would want to date.  Maybe I really wasn't ready to date yet.  Maybe my potential date standards were too high.  After all, it had been 24 years since I last went on a date.  Maybe I was on the wrong dating sites.  Or maybe, I just needed to meet a nice guy the old fashion way - in person.  

I had pretty much decided with a good friend that night, I was going to cancel all of my memberships on Monday.

Monday, February 18, 2013 arrived, and my life was changed forever.  

Late that afternoon, I received a message from a guy named Anthony.  With his message, he beamed me a smile.  His message was simple.  "Hi Lisa.  Great profile.  Have a blessed day, Anthony."  

After I read his message, I went to view his profile (as I usually did, when someone sent me a message).  He was 44 years old (just a year younger than me), no children (great, since I already have 4) and never been married (OMG - men like him still exist!  Thank you God!).  He was very active at his church and had a strong Catholic faith.  He was really handsome, and said he had a good sense of humor.  But then what caught my attention was the place he was from.  East Northport, NY (Long Island).   What are the chances of that!  This is the same town my relatives live in and have for the last 35+ years!   And I was also very familiar with East Northport because I had visited it often through the years, and while growing up, on two separate occasions, I lived about 20 minutes from there.  Of all of the men on CatholicMatch.com, a guy from Long Island NY, a place I love and have fond memories of, is messaging me!  

I actually decided to reply to his message.  I beamed Anthony a smile and told him, "Hello.  Thanks for your message.  I noticed you were from East Northport.  I lived on Long Island when I was younger and I have family that live and used to live in East Northport.  Great area!" 

He then replied back to me, and then for the next 4 days, we would send each other messages.  They were like emails.  Each message continued to get longer and longer. Then one day he asked me to chat live with him.  Our first chat was great fun, being able to communicate live and have real time responses.  But this only lasted for two days. We had so much to share with each other and the responses we were typing were getting longer and longer until finally during one of our chats he said "let's talk on the phone."  I replied, "when?" To which his response was, "now? we are chatting."  I said, "hahahaha - ok."  And then I gave him my phone number.

Within a minute my phone was ringing, and I had the overwhelming feeling of nervousness like I was back in high school and a boy I have a crush on is calling me to talk.  OMG!!!   What will we talk about now, on the phone?  What if my voice is not what he expected?  What if his voice is not what I expected?  What if there is silence and we run out of things to talk about?  What if we have no connection once we are speaking to each other?  I must have had about 20 questions race through my head in a matter of 5 seconds!!

And then I answered.  It was him!  Live on the phone!  He sounded just like my cousins in New York.  I loved it!!  We ended up speaking on the phone for 7 HOURS!!!  Our conversation didn't end until 4:00 a.m. my time, and that was only because his alarm went off when he should have been waking up to get ready to take his parents to NYC for a doctor's appointment that morning.  Had it not been for his need to leave, only God knows how much longer we would have kept talking.  

Several days later, I shared with him that I had been making plans to spend Spring Break that year back east with family and friends.  I asked him if while I was in town, would he like for us to meet in person.  He said "absolutely!"  We had our first date on March 14, 2013 - my father's birthday.  Another amazing coincidence in my life!

A day has not gone by since that first message, first phone call and first date, that we have not spoken to each other.  It has been truly a blessing from God and only through God could it have even been possible for us to have met like we did and developed the kind of amazing, loving and God-centered relationship we share.  It really is one in a million chances that I would meet a man online from the same town my relatives live in, who went to the same high school my cousins did, knows some of the same people my relatives know, attends the same church my relatives do and my godfather's funeral was at (almost exactly a year before I met Anthony), and the priest who presided at the funeral mass would turn out to be close friends with Anthony!  Again, I say, it is only because of God we are together!  Our love story is because of Him and thanks to Him!

During these last 12 months, we have had the opportunity every month to travel to each other's towns to spend time together, get to know each other better and develop relationships with each other's families.  

Then in October 2013, he made the life-changing decision to move to Kansas to be near me and my children.   Within days of arriving he had a job interview and was offered the job two weeks later. They didn't want him to start until after the new year, so our holidays were filled with lots of family time and special couple time!  He also found an apartment quickly and until it was ready for him in January 2014, he lived with my parents (who LOVE him!).  

This is only the beginning of our INCREDIBLE love story...our life together.  It is hard to believe that one year ago today, I was ready to cancel my membership on CatholicMatch.com, and then Anthony sent me a message. 

I pray that we are blessed with many more years to share together!  Thank you God for Anthony.  Thank you God for our relationship!