An Awakening For My Heart

When I started blogging last year and titled my blog "A MidLife Awakening," many people questioned where my life was...was I in fact having a "midlife crisis."  I would repeatedly tell them that there was no crisis in my life, only an awakening regarding what needed to change in my life.

My soul had felt lifeless and my heart had been lonely for a very long time.

After almost 23 years of being with the same person, our lives were now going to officially become separate.   Our marriage had not been in a "good" place for many years...and unfortunately it had been taking its toll on our children.   As I looked at the man I believed I would be married to "until death do us part" all I could see was a person I wanted to be friends with because of our children.  But nothing more.  He was no longer who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I was exhausted from all the fighting, tears, depression, sadness, anger, hurt and resentment that had been a part of our marriage for way too long.  As a result, we had not been the kind of parents or spouses that I knew and believed God intended for us to be.  And it was only getting worse.

This was not the life I wanted, and it was especially not the kind of life I wanted for our children.   They had witnessed too often the "ugly" sides of us. We were not a good example of a happy, healthy, loving marriage.  And that scared me...because this would potentially be what our children someday would use as their point of reference regarding what a marriage should look like.

We had not been bringing out the best in each other anymore; only the worst.  As a result, we were getting the worst out of our children.  That was tearing me up inside.  I especially didn't like the people we had become.  Sharp tongued, defensive, usually annoyed, very impatient, short-fused towards the children, mostly frowning, and appearing to be on emotional roller coasters most of the time.

A good friend of mine told me last year that when a marriage comes to an end it may feel like a death, because a marriage has died.  You will experience feelings of grief and sadness.  You will probably go through a mourning process in order to move forward.

I completely understood what they meant.  However, all of those feelings they described I had already been feeling for the last couple of years prior to our marriage actually coming to an end.  I was exhausted from all the tears I had cried, the anger and resentment I had built up inside, the depression I was experiencing and the sadness in my heart.  When it was finally said out loud, that our marriage was over, I was not sad.  There were no more tears shed, yelling, screaming, fighting, or ugly words spoken.  Just calmness, peace and a feeling that can be best described as "I could breath again."  Because I had already been experiencing the mourning process for years beforehand, I was ready to move forward.   It felt like a midlife "Awakening" for my heart and soul.  Not a midlife crisis.


I feel extremely thankful for all of the support and understanding we have been receiving from friends and family during this changing time.  It is very much appreciated.  We have reassured our friends and family that they do not need to feel like they have to take sides or can't talk to the "other" person, just because we are no longer together.  We are working really hard at remaining friends and keeping things amicable during this time, because we don't want our friends and family to feel like they are caught in the middle of our personal issues.  And we especially don't want our children to feel this way, either.

Psalm 34:5-7 

I sought the Lord, who answered me, delivered me from all fears.  Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces many not blush for shame.  In my misfortune I called, the Lord heard and saved me from all distress.