My heart is feeling really heavy right now. It has been for the last couple of weeks. Son #1 is leaving for college in 5 days, and I am happy and sad - all at the same time! I have known this day would be coming since the day he was born. I just didn't realize back then how fast this day would arrive now.
I am sad because:
* He is leaving for college. Life with him for the last 18 years flew by at warp speed, and it's not stopping. He really is leaving.
* His father and I changed him with our divorce. This was an adult decision that needed to happen, but it still makes me sad when he shares with me how it made him feel - for a really long time. I am sad because he was sad.
* I am going to miss hearing him tell me he loves me, his hugs and kisses good night and the ones he gave me just because.
* I am going to miss spending time with him. Sharing a meal with him and the jokes he would share at the dinner table.
* I am going to miss the late night conversations we would have about so many interesting things - what was going on in his life, sports, friends, school, experiences at work, etc. - this time with him meant so much to me.
* He is not going to need me as much anymore (if at all) - and that's ok - but it still makes me sad.
* I worry about him - a lot. I want him to continue to make smart choices at college.
* I am going to miss seeing him with his 2 brothers and sister. Watching him teach and play sports with his brothers would melt my heart. Hearing him having a conversation with his sister - and then there would be laughter and silly pictures and videos they would be sharing with each other - again - this melted my heart. Not having all 4 of my children together anymore doesn't feel quite right.
* The day has arrived where he will now use the wings I gave him to fly. There was a time when I wasn't sure he would use his wings - but then he pleasantly started showing me signs that he was getting ready to use them. And now he is ready to fly! I know I was supposed to give him wings and I know that if he flies, then I did my job as a mom. But it still doesn't make any of this any easier. It still makes me sad.
I am happy because:
* He is happy. He is excited to go to college. This was something he wanted and he worked hard during the spring to complete his college applications (on his own) and apply to the colleges he wanted to (and some I didn't even know he was going to apply to).
* He is looking forward to being part of a fraternity, getting involved at college, meeting new people and making new friends.
* He knows (at least at this time) what he wants to major in - Sports Broadcast Journalism.
* He wants a new chapter in his life to begin. He is looking forward to a chapter that doesn't have him surrounded by a constant reminder of his parent's divorce.
* He still tells me he loves me and gives me hugs and kisses good night, and just because for no special reason, other than I'm his mom. His hugs are good hugs - they are full arm embraces with a little squeeze.
* He still loves me as his mom and likes spending time with me - as I do with him.
* He still needs me - sometimes.
* He has a strong faith in God, and considers himself a spiritual person.
* He is a great kid that makes smart choices - never got in trouble in high school with drugs, drinking, sex or the law. (I pray he stays that way in college.)
* He has an amazing smile - a wonderful laugh - a witty sense of humor.
* He really does love his siblings A LOT! He has not always been the best at showing them that - but during this last year he has made huge strides in trying to show them and tell them what they mean to him.
* When I look at him, I see his wings because he smiles when he talks about going to college - he really is ready to fly. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY!
As I look at the face of a young man, feeling ready to head into adulthood, I still see the face of a little baby that slept in my arms. I see the little boy I would hold and dance around his room with, singing Broadway show tunes to him. I see the child who would hold my face in his hands and kiss it endlessly, and would tell me I was the best mommy in the world, and repeatedly how much he loved me.
Even though this moment in time all feels really sad right now - I am also truly happy for him! I know he is quietly feeling a little nervous and possibly scared about what the future holds for him at college, but I believe in him! I know he can do it! Knowing he is feeling ready for the next chapter in his life, brings me joy and peace! We made it together - and he is more than ready to fly! I am so proud of him!! I love you so much, Son #1!
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