Stop Trying To Divide Mothers!

I have been pondering for the last several days how to put to "paper" what my thoughts and feelings have been regarding the recent Time Magazine article called "Are You Mom Enough" and the photo on the cover.  Let me start with a disclaimer....these are just my thoughts and feelings and are not intended to offend or insult anyone.  My apologies if they do that, because that is NOT my intention.

So, I am trying to understand why Time Magazine felt the need to have the cover photo they did recently, with the mother breastfeeding her 3 year old son standing up.  I read the photographers explanation as to why he decided to take that photo and use it, but I have to say, as a mother who did breastfeed my children into toddlerhood (Son #1 - 20 months; Daughter - 31 months; Son #2 - 33 months; Son #3 - 42 months) we NEVER had a public scene like that.  And I know and have known MANY women who have breastfed their children through toddlerhood, and never did they publicly nurse their children this way, either.  Perhaps they did this in the privacy of their own home, or at a La Leche League meeting (where they felt safe and wouldn't be judged), but not in public.

I did witness 3 year olds (even my own Son #3) sitting across a lap and very discreetly nursing, but it just looked like they were having a snuggle moment.  There was no boob hanging out of a shirt.  I think if the photographer's intention was to show that toddlers do in fact still nurse, even if is not necessarily the norm here in America, this photo did not help in the efforts of support and acceptance of toddler nursing in our society!!!   If his photo was to display "attachment parenting," he could have used so many other poses to display the same message.  He could have shown a baby or even a toddler in a sling being carried, appearing attached to mom in that manner.  I believe that the photo they used was for shock value (in the media's typical fashion) to draw attention to itself in any manner they could - even at the expense of causing more negative stereotypes towards breastfeeding here in America.  Shame on them!

I realize that the focus of the article was about "Attachment Parenting."  But something about the article did not sit right with me.  For those that don't really know me, I was (and still am to some degree) an "attachment parenting" kind of parent.  I did carry my babies around constantly (Daughter lived in the "Baby Sling" and Son #2 and Son #3 lived in a "Maya Wrap"), I did (and currently still do, at times) co-sleep with my children until they were ready to move to a bed or sleep with another sibling (which the age varied with each child), and I did breastfeed each of them until they were ready to wean.

I think what bothered me about the article was that it felt like an "all or nothing" kind of story and it was trying to stir something up (again) between moms that work-away-from-home and the stay-at-home moms.  Which I think is wrong!  And I am so tired of this.  It also made it sound like if a person is a stay-at-home mom, then she will more likely be the better "attachment parent."  And if she works-away-from-home, she will not be able to be a fully "attached parent," or at least very good at it.

Over the years, I have known some wonderful moms that had to work-away-from-home, away from their babies, but once they were home, they breastfed, carried, and co-slept with their babies.  These women were in all senses "attached' and great at it!  Then I have known some stay-at-home moms that could have breastfed their babies, held them all day long, and co-slept with them and chose not to do any of those things.  Obviously, they were far from "attached" and could care less if they were.  So for an article to allude to the idea that only stay-at-home moms can be attached, I think is cruel and unfair to the working-away-from-home moms.  Society would be wrong to assume that only stay-at-home moms can be "attached parents."  Because there are plenty of stay-at-home moms, that probably shouldn't be staying at home.

The whole concept of "Attachment Parenting" was becoming a trendy phrase shortly before Son #1 was born back in 1997.  The first book I received when I was pregnant, about raising a baby, was called "The Baby Book" by Dr. William Sears, whom the Time article references.  I did not actually open the book and start reading it until after Son #1 was born.   And when I did, I remember reading about the "Attachment Parenting" concept for the first time, and thought how odd that there was a "term" for what I was already doing with my baby, that just seemed like the natural thing to do.  Breastfeed him when he was hungry, carry/hold him as often as I could or when he needed to be held or carried, co-sleep with him during the night so I could get some sleep, too.

My personal background happens to include being an accredited La Leche League Leader for the last 12 years (providing mother and child support, education and resources for breastfeeding), so many people might think that I would be pretty hard core about everyone needing to be an "attached parent."  Well, when I became a leader, I realized that my job was to help mothers and their babies wherever THEY were at, NOT where I wanted them to be, when it came to breastfeeding and parenting.  Once I accepted that, I was able to embrace ALL mothers and not judge them for making whatever choices they made.  That attitude towards other mothers, has stayed with me even when I am not wearing my La Leche League hat.   This is not to say, that I don't share my philosophies about parenting with other new moms, but I am thoughtful and considerate in what I share and the information I provide, because I remember what it felt like as a new mom trying to assimilate so much new information and hoping to make the best choice for my baby while at the same time not wanting to feel judged about whatever choices I made.

Over the years I have learned that parenting is about meeting your children where they are at.   And if you follow your heart when parenting, then most of the choices you will make will be the right ones.  As babies, I nursed my children when they were hungry, never let them "cry-it-out", and followed their lead when it came time for them to learn to use the toilet.  However, each child is different, and what worked for one child didn't always work for another.  Did I feel any less attached as a parent because Son #1 did not like to be confined in a sling with me carrying him around all the time? Nor did he like sleeping all cuddled up next to me once he got to be about 6 months old?  Absolutely not!  I followed his lead - I trusted him.  He in turn could trust me.  And we WERE "attached."  Ultimately, isn't that what we all want as parents.  Children that can trust us and count on us to be there for them no matter what their age or circumstances.  

It is hard enough trying to be a good mother without society putting so many additional, unnecessary pressures on the job of being a mother.  I wish this would stop.  We are all doing our best to be the best mother we can be with the resources and knowledge at our disposal.  Is a mother any less a mother if she doesn't breastfeed her babies?  Or doesn't carry her babies?  Or doesn't sleep with her babies?  NO!!!!   What if this mother doesn't know about the benefits of these types of parenting choices.  Sometimes, the choices we make in life are based on who we know, and what we know.  And if you don't know, than you can't know to make different choices.  

I wish the news media would stop trying to divide mothers against mothers and spend more time on issues that are negatively influencing our children - like the film and television media and the internet.  Perhaps Time Magazine could write an article in an upcoming issue called "Do We Care Enough" - and it would be aimed at themselves and what they plan to do to show they care enough about the children in our society and how they will help in an effort to make the film and television media more appropriate viewing for our children and the internet a safer place to be.

Now, that would be an article I would REALLY like to read!  :-)