It's Hard To Let Go

It's 4:30 in the morning and I am having a full-blown mommy moment!  And I can't help but shed a few tears!  Yeah, I logically know eventually all of our kids have to grow up and my job is to get them to adulthood, become good stewards to the life around them and help get them to heaven.  I want them to treat people with kindness and good will.  Show respect for others.  Always be honest and tell the truth.  Don't forget to say  "please" and "thank you."  Remember that God comes first in their life.  And, that no matter what, I will ALWAYS love them.

But despite how hard I try, there are some lessons in life I can't teach them.  Moments I won't be able to prepare them for.  Situations that may cause them their own share of tears or heartache.  I am not always going to be able to protect them, even if I want to.  So my heart strings are being tugged at this early morning as I watch my Son #1 leave for his first long distance trip with his classmates - on a bus without me - to a city 5 hours away.

I realize this is just a fraction of what one of my best friends must have been feeling as she said goodbye to her son for 5 months as he headed to Washington D.C. for a Senate Page position - but I completely get it!  We are so proud of our children, especially when they are excited about a new adventure in their life.  But as a mom - it sucks!!!  Maybe because it is our first born, being the first one to slowly leaving the nest of our home.  Even in little baby steps, our heart aches, because while they are becoming young adults they are slowly needing us less and less.  And as we look into their beautiful teenage eyes, we still see the little baby we rocked to sleep and held tight in our arms for hours at a time.

When Son #1 was born, I received as a gift the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch.  I remember CRYING as I read the book to Son #1 - who was only about 2 months old at the time.   The story is so beautiful about the relationship between a mother and son, and that no matter how old he was or how big he got, she would forever hold him, rock him, and love him forever.  And then one day when she was too old to hold him and rock him - he holds her and rocks her and tells her he will love her forever.  WOW!!!  It felt like a snapshot of my future was flashing right before my eyes and I vowed to myself that I would not rush through my life with him, because I wanted to remember everything.

Now, more than 14 years later, it feels like his life has raced past me - and it is not slowing down.  As more children were added to the family fold, and the activities became more time consuming for everyone, those quiet, special moments with Son #1 had become fewer and fewer...and I miss it!

Then I start to feel melancholy about all the mistakes I have made with him thus far.  The times we have yelled and hollered at each other at heated moments when we both believed we were more right than the other person and refused to back down.  The times when I was so busy trying to just get through a stressful moment, that I didn't stop long enough to listen to his feelings and thoughts, which many times were more logical than mine.  The threats that have been made in hopes of a behavior change, and instead I had a child that was pulling further away from me.  Losing his trust and respect towards me because of my lack of respect towards him at times.

I realize that I may be feeling more hard on myself than I should, but the intense "mommy-guilt" I feel, tends to come with the job.   There is no getting around it.  My strong desire to be the "perfect" mom to my kids, has unfortunately had me being the "worst" mom at times.  I feel like I am constantly apologizing and asking for their forgiveness.  But in the midst of these difficult times with them, I hope they are learning all the things NOT to say or do as a parent from me and are picking up a few positive things TO DO.

With 8th Grade Graduation almost here, these next couple of weeks are going to get harder, before they get easier, for me.   Just yesterday, I was ordering his graduation pictures, and I started crying - remembering back to when I was ordering his birth pictures, and now I was looking at a 14 year old in a cap and gown.  WHERE DID ALL MY TIME WITH HIM GO?  

Children truly are a blessing and their time with us (no matter how long) is a gift from God.   So despite all the tears and emotions I am feeling at this moment in time, having Son #1 for a son, does in fact make me smile - often!  And I couldn't imagine my life without him!  :-)